Delusional Clients

I’m fortunate to partner with clients who inspire me with their courage, vision, and wit. Sadly, many of them don’t readily see what I see in them: they fail to notice the positive impact they have on others and may suffer from doubt, guilt, and loneliness.

And it’s not just top execs who suffer from this delusion.

Do You Suffer from Delusions of Smallness?

Here are some indicators:

• You fail to give yourself the same care and consideration as you give others (or your dog).
• You worry that all you’ve achieved is undeserved or ephemeral.
• You treat your body as a machine that runs on coffee and doesn’t require ample rest and rejuvenation.
• You say yes to all demands even if it means sacrificing sleep, sanity, and relationships.
• You apologize often for things outside your control, as in “I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to your 2:00 a.m. email” or “I’m so sorry it’s raining.”
• You compare yourself to others or to some ideal vision of who you think you should be.

Reality Check
No matter who you are or what you do for a living, if you ignore your body’s needs for rest, nutrition, and exercise, it will break down someday…almost certainly at a very inconvenient time and place. (Note, it’s possible, but highly unlikely, that you’ll get lucky and earn a standing ovation from 3,000 people after passing out stage as my buddy Steve Roesler did).

What You Can Do About It

• Make exercise, sleep, and healthy eating a priority. You don’t have to do this alone. Find partners–nutritionists, MDs, Sleep therapists, personal trainers etc. who can help you make lasting changes. Don’t give up until you have a thriving body with ample energy.
• Say ‘yes’ to work that is the best use of you and ‘no’ to work that can be delegated or stopped. When you delegate well you grow and inspire others.
• Recognize what is within your sphere of control and influence, and learn to accept the rest.
• Get perspective - Have a coach or HR partner interview staff to find out how you are truly perceived.
• Get networked - Leadership is lonely. Find colleagues you can talk to honestly.
• Practice gratitude. This is one of the best ways to get out of a funk. Pay thanks to everyone and anyone who helped you get where you are: teachers, coaches, bosses, professors, the BART conductor, the assembly line worker who built your car, the barrista…you get the idea.
• Eschew perfection. Stop making homemade cookies for your child’s bake sale. Outsource everything you can and focus your attention on quality time with people you care about.
• Eschew guilt. Guilt is rarely helpful and mostly toxic and unnecessary. If you find that you’ve had an integrity outage, apologize and do better. If you’re feeling guilty for not being superhuman, get over it. Examine your choices and limitations, choose how to spend your time, and move on.
• Embrace fun. Listen to vintage Steve Martin. Watch stupid YouTube videos. Go on the rides with your kid. Do whatever makes you smile and belly laugh. Take things less seriously.

Prioritize You

As you examine your long to-do list, recall that in forests, thousands of small species depend on the health and strength of the tallest trees. When you take care of yourself, everyone around you benefits.

“Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”

- Marianne Williamson

Medical Resource

I have the pleasure of recommending my MD, Dr. Morgan Camp who specializes in helping busy executives return their bodies to balance and find optimal health. I have first-hand knowledge that he gets people thriving quickly. His office is in Mill Valley, CA and he also consults by phone. Make yourself a priority today.

Book

The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working by Tony Schwartz

Change for Good

As an Executive Coach, my job is to help people change for good. Not everyone is ready for such a project.  Some people just want everyone around them to change instead. And others worry that if they change their behaviors, they’ll come off as inauthentic—a fake. Truth is, if you’re unable to adapt your approach to people and situations, your relationships will suffer and your career will hit a wall.

Authenticity Misunderstood

Authenticity is about being real…not rigid.  That is, it’s not about stubbornly holding on to valued personality traits—or even beliefs—that aren’t working. The most successful leaders adapt to people and situations gracefully and appropriately.

Authentically Adaptive

I once had the pleasure of working for an inspiring leader who made the difficult transition from mid-level manager to C-suite executive.  Three of his most prized personal qualities were:

• Passionate
• Gregarious
• Intelligent

Culled while growing up in the Middle-East, and honed for business in New York City, these traits were part of a mixture that propelled him to success. It wasn’t until he landed a job in Northern California, in a company culture known for being ‘nice’ and agreeable, that he rain into trouble.

With the help of a coach, he came to quickly see that people were misunderstanding his intent. People thought he was intimidating, closed-minded, and a poor listener. His communication style was masking qualities and values such as being open to influence and deep care for others. He could have claimed that these traits were “part of his DNA,” but he cared more about being effective than being rigidly right.

You Are Bigger than Your Personality

Contrary to what you might have heard, your MBTI, DiSC – or any other personality inventory score—is not etched in stone, and is certainly not an excuse for poor adaptability. You are responsible for your beliefs, values, and behaviors. And you can change them.

Assess Yourself

Authenticity requires a deep understanding of yourself. Adaptability requires a deep understanding of others: what they need and how you affect them.

Before you can make any changes, you must first get an objective assessment of what is and isn’t working. Here’s one way:

1. Make a list of valued traits that best describe you.

2. Find someone you respect, who can be objective and honest with you. If you don’t have such a person, consider using a neutral party like a coach.

3. Ask this neutral person: When does this quality work well? When does it undermine me?

For example, let’s assume you describe yourself as passionate. They might tell you that this trait:

• Works well when you devote passion to developing your team.
• Undermines you when you devote passion to winning an argument.

Authentic Advice From an Undercover FBI Agent

Still doubt whether you can be authentic and adaptive at once? This post was inspired by LaRay Quy, who wrote 5 Ways to become a more authentic leader. I suspect that if she can figure out how to call up her authentic self while serving as an undercover FBI agent, we normal folk can too.

“People can spot inauthenticity from fifty paces. Show up as yourself consistently. Unless of course, you are a jackass.”

- Susan Scott, Fierce Leadership

Other Resources

• Book: What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: Marshall Goldsmith. Learn the habits every manager needs to break to successfully transition to senior leadership

• Blog Posts:
  • Breaking Bad Habits by Denny Coates
  • 5 Ways to Become a More Authentic Leader by LaRae Quy, posted by Michael Hyatt
  • To learn whether you’re coachable, check out this great blog post by Steve Roesler: 5 Ways to be Coachable

We’d like to hear from you!

How do you adapt your favorite personality traits to people and situations? We’d love to know!

(This post may look a little long because it’s packed with juicy quotes and ideas for you to put into practice.)

Dr. Jekyll

Most of us like to think we’re good people and that, if put in an unethical or dangerous situation, we’d do the right, noble thing. We claim assuredly that if given power, we’d wield it fairly; or that we’d call the police if we saw someone getting abused.

Perhaps.

But study after troubling study shows that the majority of us, when put in certain difficult circumstances, would act in ways we’d later be ashamed of. The truth is, while on the fringes of society we can talk about saints and sociopaths, we are all capable of good and evil.

Mr. Hyde

I had the pleasure of listening to Philip Zimbardo at a recent Neuroleadership Conference. Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about good and evil. While you may not recognize his name, you’re probably familiar with his infamous 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment where normal, healthy people cast as guards became sadistic authoritarians, while those cast as prisoners became hopeless and traumatized. The 2-week simulation experiment was cut short after just 6 days.

People aren’t born heroes. Our brains run on a 100,000-year-old operating that errs on the side of self-protection and suspicion. Scientists literally refer to it as negativity bias. Put in a threatening situation, our brain makes saving ourselves top priority.

While it may not be our default nature to act in others’ best interest, we can retrain ourselves. We can build a heroic brain and become the person we’d like to be — the person we claim to be. And when we act heroically, we improve our home environment, work environment, and communities. In essence, we improve the lives of everyone we touch, including our own.

Here are some essential hero-building steps:

Building Heroic Muscles

1. First: acknowledge your fallibility. Ignoring our dark self self doesn’t make it go away. It just hides until one day in a weak moment it inconveniently emerges (like Mel Gibson getting caught in a drunken, racist rant, or a sanctimonious AWOL politician found Tango-ing with his mistress in Argentina). It doesn’t do us any good to label deeds, thoughts, or people as evil. Rather, know that any person is capable of making bad choices that can create horrible irreversible ripples.

2. Second, notice your ripple. Done anything you’re not proud of? Maybe you raised your voice at your child, or rolled your eyes in a meeting. Or maybe you just forgot to thank someone for their efforts. Stop shaming yourself (or making excuses) and get to work by first apologizing, and then doing better.

3. Third: start practicing small acts of kindness. You become what you practice. Put a Tibetan monk in an MRI, and you’ll see a brain that’s trained to tilt heavily toward compassion and kindness. But you don’t have to meditate to re-train your brain. And you don’t have to be anyone special to be a hero. We often think of heroes as extraordinary people doing big things. But, as Zimbardo explains, heroes are ordinary people acting selflessly to protect or improve the lives of others. Heroes take positive action, where others stand by and justify their inaction.

Here are some small actions that can go a long way toward improving others’ lives:

- Listen to someone without judgment.

- Compliment someone you care about (without expecting anything in return).

- Compliment a stranger (without expecting anything in return).

- Ask the cashier how her day is going…then listen.

- Give your change to someone in need.

- Talk to the shy person at the holiday party.

- When talk about someone turns negative, instead of piling on, say something kind.

- Stop and give a confused tourist directions.

- Listen to your partner, your child, your mother –anyone you think you know well — with genuine curiosity and wonder.

- Instead of getting angry or blaming someone at work when something fails, assume good intent, pick up the phone or walk over to them, and seek to understand their point of view.

- If you like to talk, keep your views to yourself in your next meeting and ask others for their opinions. Then listen without interrupting.

- Thank someone.

- Apologize.

- Forgive someone you’ve held a grudge against.

- Forgive yourself.

- Admit your mistakes.

- Acknowledge your weaknesses.

- For every holiday gift you purchase, add a small (or big) donation to a trusted charity like Oxfam who will make the most of your gift so that it improves lives.

Ta-Da, Brilliance!

With practice, you’ll break free of your default inertia and find that acting positively comes naturally. You also run a serious risk of creating an engaging, trusting work environment where people are free to speak and act without fear.

— — — — —

Quotes

“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them.

But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.

And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

— — — — —

“With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more.”

- Joe Paterno

— — — — —

Legend

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

Video:

Phil Zimbardo talks about his new mission: The Heroic Imagination Project

Check out our related post: How to Tell if You Work in a Fear Ridden Environment with to-do list for the courageous manager

We’d love to hear from you!

- What small gesture has made a positive difference in your life?

- Which small act will you begin taking today?

- What other small heroic acts do you recommend?

Which mood will it be?

Had any negative thoughts recently that you just couldn’t seem to shake?

Maybe someone cut you off in traffic and it bugged you the whole commute. Or maybe the company issued yet another dictum that had you steaming all day. Or maybe you keep running a frustrating conversation over and over again in your mind. Ever get home and dump accumulated frustration on the closest innocent victim?

Blame it on your left brain.

Actually, make that a peanut-sized area of your left brain.

Our left brain is our story-teller. Its job is to make sense of moment-by-moment inputs. And since it never has all the data it needs, it fills in the gaps, weaving so seamlessly that the story in our head feels like the inescapable truth. The cells that comprise this story-teller part of our brain are about the size of a peanut. Yet, they do their job so well, we ride along as if we had no choice, letting it loop and continually flood our bodies with cortisol and other stress-related chemicals.

According to Jill Bolte-Taylor — brain scientist, stroke survivor, and author — getting hooked on emotionally charged narratives of anger, resentment, guilt, shame, or fear for long periods can have devastating consequences on our physical and mental well-being because of the powerful ways they affect our emotional and physiological circuitry.

It’s vital to our health and relationships that we learn how to experience the emotion and then shift away.

And if you’re in a leadership role (at work or home), it’s vital to the mental and physical health of everyone around you because a leader’s mood is contagious.

90 Seconds of Pain

One of my favorite insights from Taylor’s book, My Stroke of Insight, is that it takes 90 seconds for an emotionally-charged thought to move through the body. In those 90 seconds you may have symptoms like shortness of breath, jaw tension, chest-ache, a strong desire to choke someone (to name a few) while the thought-induced chemicals move through your cells. After 90 seconds, the blood stream is clear of it.

So why don’t we feel better after 90 seconds?

If allowed, the peanut-brain will keep weaving a story and keep dumping stress chemicals into the body. You have to interrupt the story and redirect your attention. You have to take control.

5 Steps to Shift the Barreling Thought-Train to a Better Track

1. Notice the thought

Before you can shift away from the damaging story, you have to notice that your brain is telling a story! Most of us let our thoughts drive us instead of making conscious decisions about what we think.

2. Bring your attention to your body

Allow your body to experience the reaction. What part of your body is affected? For me, my facial muscles tense and my breath gets shallow. Then, move your attention to your feet and feel your feet against your shoes. Take a deep breath, notice sounds and smells in the room.

3. Deliberately shift to a different thought that brings a sense of ease and pleasure. Bolte-Taylor suggests thinking about one of the following:

• something fascinating or
• something that brings you joy or
• something you would like to do

4.  Feel the new physical sensations. Once you’ve jumped off the negative loop, allow the tense muscles to loosen and notice what peace feels like in your body.

5. Repeat. You’ll have ample opportunities to practice. Over time, you can make the shift quicker, and more often, resulting in better mental and physical health, freeing you up to share your talents and positively affect others.

These steps are immensely harder to do when you are sleep-deprived or otherwise incapacitated. Check out our recent post — Tools Are Not Enough — about seeking support from many directions so you can take control of your moods and your life.

Some Resources

Complimentary thought-shifting tool that we use with our clients

Related posts: Best Director

Video: Jill Bolte-Taylor’s inspirational, memorable TEDtalk

Book: My Stroke of Insight (Kindle, Bound, or Audio): This is going on my must-read book list for humans. I dare you to read it and fail to find insights you can use to improve your life.

“If I want to retain my inner peace, I must be willing to consistently and persistently tend the garden of my mind moment by moment, and be willing to make the decision a thousand times a day.”

- Jill Bolte Taylor, My Stroke of Insight

Below is an image I conjure to hit the brakes and switch tracks. The construction history fascinates me and the vacation memories bring me joy.

What works for you?

Brunelleschi's Duomo

Don't go it Alone

If knowledge and insight were all it took to change our habits, we could just read a great self-help book or take a course and voilà: excellence!

No Magic Wand

Sadly (for those of us who like instant gratification), it takes effort and practice to shift patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. You’ve developed your current state over years of accidental practice and attention: it’ll take some time and effort to develop new, stronger habits (aka, neural pathways). You’ll be tested a million times a day and have a million opportunities to return to your comfort zone.

Got Support to Thrive?

This is why even coaches have coaches. We all need someone who can listen without judgment and help us see things in a way that opens up better possibilities for action. Someone who can help us stay focused and support our efforts to change. Someone who can remind us why we’re putting ourselves through the discomfort and who can highlight the small positive changes that would otherwise fail to get noticed and appreciated.

“When you’re weary, find relief. When you’re strong, find delight.”

- Martha Beck, author, coach

Before You Get Support, Build Capacity

And sometimes, even that’s not enough. Knowing the tools exist, and being able to explain the tools intellectually isn’t enough. When we are in pain — depressed, sleep deprived, injured, etc. — we need triage support to build up our resources so we have the capacity to improve. Once we’ve alleviated the acute symptoms, we can pursue higher goals.

Don’t I know it.

After my daughter was born, I suffered many months of severe sleep-deprivation and anxiety before I finally sought medical advice. I was surviving, but certainly not thriving. My brain was in a negative loop. I recall thinking that I knew how to escape my negative thoughts, but I lacked the capacity to use the tools. It took two PTSD diagnoses for me to decide that I couldn’t self-coach myself out of my state.

My brain is now healed and I once again feel vibrant, thanks to some great practitioners.

You don’t have to settle for less than excellence. Get the support you deserve.

Resources

Get Support: Find a Coach

• New Ventures West: A global resource founded in the Bay Area (Note: Brilliance Inc. founders are graduates)
• Brilliance Inc: Work with Heather Andersen or Denise Green
• Ask someone you admire who they would recommend
  • Here’s a plug for my coach Judith Duhl, great for career transitions and life-coaching

Build Capacity: Get Your Brain and Body Back in Harmony

Dr.’s in The Bay Area (and my hero’s in health). These amazing people have EQ and crazy-good skills.

• Dr. Raj Patel (South Bay/Peninsula) – Holistic MD
• Dr. Morgan Camp (Mill Valley) – Holistic MD
• Dr. Robert Gamburd - Physiatrist (Sports Medicine)

Video: I love this short video where author Tony Schwartz offers unconventional and really useful advice to help us all thrive. Here’s a hint:

“If you don’t eat for 5 days, you’ll be hungry; if you don’t sleep well for 5 days, you’ll be psychotic.”

- Tony Schwartz

Article: Via author and neuroleadership guru David Rock, this article describes our brains under depression

Tool: When you’re ready to thrive, try our complimentary and powerful Thoughts Upgrade Tool to help shift your attention to create better results in any area of your life.

Our last post featured excerpts from the late David Foster Wallace, one of the most respected and revered writers of our time. He suffered from severe depression and when the treatments failed him after 20 years, he chose a final tragic escape. He left behind a treasure of work.

Please share any resources you recommend to help people survive and thrive.

Pay Careful Attention

Our thoughts fuel actions that lead to results.

A weird thing about ‘truths’ is that they are malleable. We get to pick and choose ‘em. But before we can exert any power of choice, we must first notice what truths we hold. And this noticing is much harder than it seems.

Given that it’s graduation season, I’d like to offer a few excerpts from David Foster Wallace’s unorthodox and imminently useful 2005 commencement address to Kenyon College.

About the Liberal Arts Education

“…learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.”

Choice

“You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. You get to decide what to worship.”

Challenge

“…it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotized by the constant monologue inside your own head“

Choosing Well

He goes on to describe in all-too-real detail the often tedious adult world that awaits them, and to offer an approach full of grace, presence, and compassion.

“I can choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket’s checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do.”

“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline,and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.”

Amen to that.

More Resources and Reminders.

• One of my current favorite resources on the topic is neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor’s book My Stroke of Insight: her great effort to help others benefit from her journey after losing her left-brain functions in a stroke. Short on time? Get the audio book and make your commute, waiting room, or check-out line more fruitful. Or, see her TEDTalk – perhaps the best 18 minutes you’ll ever spend online.

• The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle – Popular for a reason, this book can help you find space (and peace) between your thoughts.

• Incredible Advice to Grads (and the rest of us) from David Brooks: It’s Not About You

• David Rock’s practical, irreverent post on Psychology Today The Neuroscience of Mindfulness

“Mindfulness isn’t difficult: the hard part is remembering to do it.”

- David Rock

My thanks to Scott Curwood for sending me the Wallace speech!

Want to get better results in any area of your life AND feel a greater sense of ease?

Start with your thoughts.

At the foundation of our transformational work with clients is this essential truth:

Our thoughts fuel actions that lead to results.

Below are the steps you can take to make the most of this truth.

Step 1: Notice your thoughts.

Most of the time, we go through our days without noticing how our beliefs shape our actions. We often blame external things–a boss, a job, spouse, politicians–without looking at our own self-limiting role. Yes, sh*t happens. But no matter the circumstances, we can still control our reactions.

Step 2: Notice what ACTION and RESULT your thought is likely to produce.

The more we act from fear, resentment, jealousy, anger, the smaller–less satisfying–our world becomes. The more we act from curiosity, compassion, acceptance, the better we behave and the more possibilities we create.

Here are some examples of common negative thoughts and the actions and results they might produce. See if any feel familiar.

Thought #1

I’m not good enough.

Action

I work harder, sacrificing health and relationships.

Thought #2

Results matter most.

Action

I treat people as means or obstacles.

Result

People think I’m a jackass and avoid or go around me.

Thought #3

I’m right; They are wrong.

Action

I ignore information that may conflict with my truth.

Result

My world gets smaller and I make under-informed decisions. (like invading Iraq with too few troops and too many stacks of cash).

And people think I’m a jackass.

Thought #4

People are not to be trusted until they’ve earned it.

Action

I withhold information from others and give off a vibe that they’re not yet trustworthy.

Result

People feel unworthy, unsafe, and under-appreciated. They wonder what my agenda is, guess at my intentions, go around me…and think I’m a jackass. By the time they have earned my trust, I have lost theirs.

I could go on but I think you get the picture.

Step 3: Upgrade the thought.

Author David Rock calls this important step ‘recalibration.’ We use author Victoria Castle’s term ‘Upgrade’ because many of you know what it feels like to walk through an airplane’s first-class cabin then squeeze into your economy class seat. Recalibration or Upgrading is a skill that takes practice. Once you learn it, you have a key to release anxiety and allow better responses.  Here we offer a collection of thoughts common to the most successful, satisfied people.

In every moment, I am enough.

People are better, more capable, than I know.

I only have a piece of the truth.

The world conspires to help me. (thank you Jack Canfield for this one)

Sh*t happens. Now what can I learn from this and what step can I take to improve my situation?

It’s not about which story is accurate–we can gather data to support any belief–it’s about the results your thoughts create.

How would you act if you held these upgraded beliefs?

If you like how you feel and how you’re life is going, then keep the stories that are working for you.

“We can believe what we choose. We area answerable for what we choose to believe.”

- Cardinal Newman, quoted by author Susan Scott

Step 4: Reap the benefits.

Mark Nepo in his book Awakenings, recounts a story of fish that, when poured from their small bowl into a larger tub, swam in a tight pattern as if still confined. When we bring attention to our thoughts, we begin to see how they limit us–and we start to see the unrealized potential that awaits.

Welcome to Your More Spacious World

As if we parents needed more reason to worry about how we might be ruining our children, Amy Chua comes along and writes Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (Why Chinese Mothers are Superior). Her very restrictive parenting methods got her mixed results: one daughter on stage at Carnegie Hall, another so resentful she would have divorced her mother if she could.

Dr. Mac Hicks. offers a great analysis that helped assuage my angst (a bit). According to Hicks, one of the key problems with this approach: “The Tiger Mother philosophy is blind to the concept of individual differences.”

In a recent client conversation, it struck me that management theory shares much in common with the Tiger Mother approach to motivation.

After receiving an onslaught of criticism, Chua admits that she was not attuned to her daughters’ uniqueness. In subsequent interviews, Chua explains that A-grades are not what Chinese parenting is about; rather, they help children be the best they can be. Surely a noble goal.

Tiger Management

Tiger Managers are not bad people. They just aren’t very effective motivators. While they may want to bring out the best in their employees, their methods leave employees discouraged and potentially resentful.

You already know what the worst Tiger Managers look like. They enforce strict policies, treat people uniformly with little regard for individual preferences or strengths, micromanage, and are quick to find fault.

Yet, some Tiger Management behaviors are less obvious.

Here are just a few ways that well-meaning companies and managers crush souls:

• Misused rewards and consequences
• Comparing (via performance rankings)
• Giving advice
• Poorly phrased questions
• Focus on short-term behavior
• Saying the words “Can I give you some feedback?”

True Motivation

So what can you do instead?  We know from scientific studies that people do their best work when they feel respected and safe. Where they can do challenging work that gives them some sense of meaning. For starters, you can:

• Respect differences: one approach does not fit all
• Help people find work that puts them in “Flow”: where they feel as though they are developing mastery
• Learn to create safe environments where people feel they can take risks and speak their mind
• Help people find meaning in their work
• Help people find their own insights
• Offer meaningful thanks after the work is done

Resources to Help You Become a Maul-Free Motivator

Books

Dan Pink gave us the following two great books (just click on the titles for transport to Amazon.com):

• A Whole New Mind: Why Right Brainers Will Rule the Future: This book contains information and practices to help you become more effective in what Pink calls the Conceptual Age. Even more relevant is his latest book:
• DRIVE: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
  

Articles

• Managing With the Brain in Mind: This article from David Rock should be required reading for all managers. He offers a compelling, succinct summary of neuroscience findings that show the five ways managers frequently put people on the defensive and squelch innovative thinking or collaboration. Rock offers the article free on his site. Or, you can grab a PDF right now. Just click on the article title.
• Why the Brain Hates Advice: For a condensed version of Rock’s findings take a look at this article we wrote last year.
• Chill Out Tiger Mother: On the Psychology Today blog by Dr. Hicks, this wonderfully titled article is a partial antidote to Chua’s teachings.
  

A Gift

• Use our one-page Flow Assessment based on the work of positive psychology researcher and author Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi to help you begin a conversation about how to reduce anxiety and increase fulfillment at work.

What’s Your Legacy?

As we’ve noted in prior posts, managers are contagious.

All managers (and parents) leave behind a residue: toxic sludge, gold dust, or something in-between.

What are you leaving in your wake?

People may forget what you said and people may forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel.

-Maya Angelou

In our last post, The TAO of Leadership (Annoying Truths: Ignore at Your Peril) we presented 7 truths (and one bonus truth) that, if internalized, will help you become a leader others want to follow.

Accept that you will forget all these truths at times – perhaps several times a day. That’s the bad news. The good news is that you have access to…

Conversation Training Wheels

You don’t have to be perfect to create a safe, inspiring environment that evokes brilliant commitment and performance. You just have to ask good questions.

Ask these questions to anyone you want to inspire or build relationship with: (Note, these are not in a sequential flow: insert as relevant into your conversation).

- “What support do you need from me?”

- “What ideas do you have?”

- “How did you come to that conclusion?”

- “How’s it working?”

- “How can you tell?”

- “What could I do better?”

- “What else?”

Note: 2 rules apply when asking these questions.

Rule #1. Phrasing matters. All these questions begin with the words What or How for a reason. Do not begin with Do, Did, Does, Could or Why unless you want to put someone on the defensive, and thus, lessen their ability to think rationally. You might as well just tell people what to do. It’s more honest.

Rule #2. Tone & expression matter. Ask with a curious, non-threatening tone that signals you will not eat, maim, fire, ridicule, or otherwise injure the person no matter their response. Practice assuming a non-threatening posture and facial expression. Don’t even think about rolling your eyes.

Use the Wheels

As smart and clever as you are, you’ll be tempted to come up with your own way of asking the questions. DON’T DO IT. Not at least until you are very practiced at asking these questions and making these statements as written. Write them on a note, put them in your ipad or phone and just ask. Then be quiet while you let the person think. If it helps, count to five (silently, so they don’t think you’ve lost your mind). Once they get over the shock, they may offer a complete response. Or, more likely, they may test the waters and give you only what they think you want to hear. Don’t fall for this. Just ask another open question until you feel you have an open, complete response. If in doubt, ask “What else?”

Most leaders tell too much and ask too little. So try to ask more 3 times more often than you typically would.

Brilliance-Evoking Statements

When you do make statements, try these.

- “I’m still a little unclear. Please say more about that.”

- “Take a break. Come back to it when you’re fresh.”

- “We’re in this together. Let’s figure it out.”

- “I have an opinion, but I only have a sliver of the truth. I’d like to hear what you think.”

- “I appreciate ____ ” (fill in the blank with a quality about them that they care about and that you believe).

- “I don’t know.”

- “I screwed up. I’m truly sorry.”

- “Thank you.”

Until mastery, practice clumsily and often until one day, you notice yourself surrounded by a voluntary army of inspired followers.

Brilliant.

We’d love to hear how it goes.

Related Articles:

The Tao of Leadership

from Kate Nasser: Killer Questions that Don’t Ask

Ponder Your Leadership Capability

We’re revisiting a post we published last September, updating it with resources to  help you become a leader who inspires brilliance. We’ve combed thousands of pages from Goleman, Drucker, Neuroleadership, Monty Python (and more) and hope you enjoy.

7 Annoying Truths

1. Despite your past successes, vast experience, diplomas, and credentials, you possess a pathetically small sliver of the truth.

2. People fear you (by nature of your status) and withhold information that may challenge your pathetically small sliver of the truth.  This is a bad thing unless you like learning about your product’s failure from the Wall Street Journal.

3. To bring out the best in others, you must go out of your way to create a safe environment.  Fear is the brain’s default reaction to stress, uncertainty, status, and a million other things outside your control.

4. Leadership takes courage. Courage probably doesn’t look like what you think it looks like. The root of the word means “heart.” True courage does not swagger but is humble and authentically confident. A courageous leader:

- recognizes her own strengths and weaknesses

- surrounds herself with people who differ

- when confronted with evidence that challenges her truths, says “Say more about that” in a non-murderous tone

- is confident they will get there without knowing exactly how

- sets a compelling vision and let’s others figure out the best way to do it

- listens intently, openly

- describes reality neutrally, without accusation

- admits to self that leadership is lonely and finds people to provide support and a good sounding board

(to see how courageous–or swaggering–you are, check out this confidence assessment)

5. You are contagious: your mood, your work-life habits, your tone, your management style, your hygiene habits–all of it embeds itself in others and helps create a culture.

6. Leadership takes stamina and resilience. You cannot do your job optimally without a healthy body and mind. To that end, find support to help you:

- stay fit physically

- optimize your brain

- manage your emotions and physical reactions

- strengthen your immune system

- sleep well

7. There is a point in your rise as a leader (e.g. from Manager of individual contributors to Manager of Managers), where everything that has worked for you will now work against you. Recognize when you cross this threshold and get a coach to help you learn new tricks and embed new habits.

Bonus Annoying Truth

- IQ has taken you as far as it can. Your success now hinges on how well you inspire trust, engagement, and commitment.

(Get our complimentary resource about How Stuff Gets Done Well).

More Resources to help you…

• Build resilience:
  • The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working by Tony Schwartz (listen to the audio book while you commute or exercise)
  • The Four Hour Body, by Timothy Ferriss
    

• Break bad habits & build a better brain: 
  
  • What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, by Marshall Goldsmith
  • Your Brain at Work, by David Rock
  • Managing from the Heart
    

• Communicate authentically: Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott
  

Sufficiently Annoyed?

Watch for our next post where we provide a tool to help you cut through the annoying truths so you truly evoke brilliance.