With this Holiday Edition, we offer a way to end the year ceremoniously, with heart and meaning.

You may want to grab a notebook or blank sheet of paper (electronic or old-fashioned)

Step One: Catalog Your Accomplishments

Brainstorm your accomplishments for the past year. When brainstorming, consider multiple aspects of your life, including health, fun, professional, financial, physical environment, personal development, and relationships. Include anything that feels significant.

For those who need a jump-start, here are some possibilities:

• Shielded your team from nasty politics
• Brought home a paycheck so your family could maintain a certain quality of life
• Completed ___ performance reviews
• Managed the health and daily care of one or more children
• Cared for ill parents
• Wrote holiday cards
• Remembered special occasions (anniversary, birthdays)
• Fit in work-out time
• Organized your electronic files, closet, office…
• Fed the dog

Step Two: Identify the Most Important Accomplishments

Reflect on which of these accomplishments feels the most meaningful. If they tend to all fall into the “work” category, check to see how you’re defining accomplishment. Is your sense of success defined by what others think or what you feel? Note which item(s) on the list garnered no meaningful praise from other, yet felt deserving of appreciation.

Step Three: Let Go

It’s likely that you may never receive sufficient, specific appreciation from your partner, team, parent, child, or dog. Notice whether you feel any resentment or remorse about this. Then take a deep breath and let the resentment go. If you find it hard to drop any “should” stories (i.e., “he should be more appreciative”) it might help to recall that others may be waiting for just the right praise from you. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Notice the lightness you feel when you drop the grievance.

Now, take action to craft praise that lights up your heart.

Step Four: Express Appreciation to You

First, close your eyes and imagine a second version of yourself stepping outside your body and turning to face you. This second self holds no resentment or judgment. Now have this second self express deep gratitude for your actions. Take in the words and sentiments, letting them fill you up. Take a couple deep breaths. Repeat for any other significant accomplishments.

Step Five: Offer Appreciation to Others

Consider what wonderful things others have done that you may have taken for granted. Offer appreciation in a way that you think would mean the most to them (a card, a gift, a statement of praise). Tell them how it made a difference for you.

Our Deepest Thanks

The cataloging and appreciation exercise was inspired by our dear colleague, Rita Hovakimian, in her annual Strategic Visioning Workshop. To find out more visit  www.inspiringsuccess.net

We thank you for your support, inspiration, and trust in this first full year of Brilliance Inc. We are blessed to have this work and hope to continue to offer solutions for a very long time as we grow into our mission to raise the level of compassion, skill, and effectiveness in every human interaction.

Happy Holidays from Denise and Heather!

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

- Cicero

There are two ways to live life: One as if nothing is a miracle, the other as if everything is.

- Einstein

Instant Improvement?

This week I accompanied my husband to his Lasik (vision correction) surgery. It took me back 13 years to my own Lasik experience. Back then, I entered the Laser Eye Center building dependent on thick glasses. Less than 24 hours later, I  had 20/15 vision. In less than a day, I went from being unable to read a giant digital clock since age 7, to reading the ingredients on a shampoo bottle.

It got me thinking, if only all development was so quick and noticeable. But that kind of drastic improvement is rare (not to mention expensive and risky).

In the absence of sudden conversions, we’re often blind to our own progress until someone comments, “Hey, have you lost a few pounds?” or “You seem happier.” or “You’re listening better.” One group-coaching participant recently said to a peer, “You seem calmer in meetings.” She didn’t fully appreciate this new way of being until he named it. At the program’s end, she said that his comment was one of the most memorable and affirming moments. When others notice, our improvement becomes more real.

Reflecting Brilliance

Over the course of a few months with a coach, participants re-invent themselves gradually but certainly. One of the most important things a coach does is hold up the mirror and acknowledge real changes.

One of the greatest gifts we can give others–colleagues, friends, family– is to notice progress aloud. And one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to notice and celebrate our own incremental improvement.

For most of us, this takes a new way of looking.

Instead of looking for fault, we have to practice noticing the good. One client shared an ingenious practice. When getting a haircut, he closes his eyes until the stylist is finished so he can better appreciate the difference. In this way, he trains his brain to perceive and appreciate improvement.

Reflection Exercise

• Think about something you’ve been cultivating (for the past few weeks, months, or years). How are you different today than when you began?

Can’t think of  anything? Start with your 13-year old self and compare it to you today. Notice the improvements that you would struggle to give up.

Look for small things: like eating more greens; taking the stairs; delegating 1 thing that you were holding on to; spending 15 more minutes a day with your kids; going to bed earlier; complimenting your partner; turning off your phone in the evenings;  losing your 80s hairstyle, and so on.

• Find one that you feel most proud of, that you would like to continue or deepen. Focus your attention on this improvement & feel gratitude for the change. Take a few breaths and let the feeling of gratitude grow.

Keep Cultivating

For yourself: What improvements do you want to deepen? What do you want to add? How do you want to be in three months? Six months?

For others: Practice noticing positive change in others. When you find something, tell them.

Pay Attention to Your Attention

Neuroscience findings show us that the brain is in constant flux and that we shape our brain with attention.

That is, what we pay attention to grows.

Will you pay attention to your faults or your growth? Which would you like to cultivate?

I’d love to hear what improvements you notice in yourself and others.

Resources:

Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life by Winifred Gallagher

Blog: The Power of Incremental Change Over Time by Michael Hyatt

Don't go it Alone

If knowledge and insight were all it took to change our habits, we could just read a great self-help book or take a course and voilà: excellence!

No Magic Wand

Sadly (for those of us who like instant gratification), it takes effort and practice to shift patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. You’ve developed your current state over years of accidental practice and attention: it’ll take some time and effort to develop new, stronger habits (aka, neural pathways). You’ll be tested a million times a day and have a million opportunities to return to your comfort zone.

Got Support to Thrive?

This is why even coaches have coaches. We all need someone who can listen without judgment and help us see things in a way that opens up better possibilities for action. Someone who can help us stay focused and support our efforts to change. Someone who can remind us why we’re putting ourselves through the discomfort and who can highlight the small positive changes that would otherwise fail to get noticed and appreciated.

“When you’re weary, find relief. When you’re strong, find delight.”

- Martha Beck, author, coach

Before You Get Support, Build Capacity

And sometimes, even that’s not enough. Knowing the tools exist, and being able to explain the tools intellectually isn’t enough. When we are in pain — depressed, sleep deprived, injured, etc. — we need triage support to build up our resources so we have the capacity to improve. Once we’ve alleviated the acute symptoms, we can pursue higher goals.

Don’t I know it.

After my daughter was born, I suffered many months of severe sleep-deprivation and anxiety before I finally sought medical advice. I was surviving, but certainly not thriving. My brain was in a negative loop. I recall thinking that I knew how to escape my negative thoughts, but I lacked the capacity to use the tools. It took two PTSD diagnoses for me to decide that I couldn’t self-coach myself out of my state.

My brain is now healed and I once again feel vibrant, thanks to some great practitioners.

You don’t have to settle for less than excellence. Get the support you deserve.

Resources

Get Support: Find a Coach

• New Ventures West: A global resource founded in the Bay Area (Note: Brilliance Inc. founders are graduates)
• Brilliance Inc: Work with Heather Andersen or Denise Green
• Ask someone you admire who they would recommend
  • Here’s a plug for my coach Judith Duhl, great for career transitions and life-coaching

Build Capacity: Get Your Brain and Body Back in Harmony

Dr.’s in The Bay Area (and my hero’s in health). These amazing people have EQ and crazy-good skills.

• Dr. Raj Patel (South Bay/Peninsula) – Holistic MD
• Dr. Morgan Camp (Mill Valley) – Holistic MD
• Dr. Robert Gamburd - Physiatrist (Sports Medicine)

Video: I love this short video where author Tony Schwartz offers unconventional and really useful advice to help us all thrive. Here’s a hint:

“If you don’t eat for 5 days, you’ll be hungry; if you don’t sleep well for 5 days, you’ll be psychotic.”

- Tony Schwartz

Article: Via author and neuroleadership guru David Rock, this article describes our brains under depression

Tool: When you’re ready to thrive, try our complimentary and powerful Thoughts Upgrade Tool to help shift your attention to create better results in any area of your life.

Our last post featured excerpts from the late David Foster Wallace, one of the most respected and revered writers of our time. He suffered from severe depression and when the treatments failed him after 20 years, he chose a final tragic escape. He left behind a treasure of work.

Please share any resources you recommend to help people survive and thrive.

What do the world’s most admired, effective, & fulfilled leaders have that others don’t?

LOVE.

No, not the romantic kind.

The kind of love that won’t get you in trouble with Human Resources.

The kind of love where you genuinely care about the success and well-being of others—your family, your employees, your partners, your customers.

Love and the Bottom Line

You can tell when a company has a culture of love. Flown lately? If you flew Southwest, you probably felt it.  If you called a customer service rep at Zappos, you probably felt it.

Can you get rich without love? Sure. There are no shortage of loveless leaders and companies who treat employees and customers as means to profit. And they spend millions of wasted dollars and energy on lawsuits, PR, and high employee turnover.

Without love, you are missing a key variable.

(STRATEGY + EXECUTION) (LOVE) = BRILLIANT LEADERSHIP

When every other airline began charging for luggage, Southwest launched its Bags Fly Free campaign.

“We are convinced that not charging for bags wins us more customers, and therefore more revenue and more profits, as compared to doing what everybody else does, which customers universally hate. Charging for bags goes against everything we stand for.” Gary Kelly, SWA

According to Kelly, Southwest has enjoyed a 1 percent share shift since other airlines began charging bag fees. It brought an additional $1 billion to Southwest when bag fees were the only significant change in the industry, he says.

A company is stronger if it is bound by love rather than by fear.

Herb Kelleher

“Businesses often forget about the culture, and ultimately, they suffer for it because you can’t deliver good service from unhappy employees.”

Tony Hsieh, Zappos CEO

(Point of interest, Hsieh lasted 5 months at his first employer, Oracle before deciding it wasn’t for him)

As Jack Canfield says, “Success leaves trails” so begin by learning what great leaders do, then emulate. Here are some great places to start.

• Delivering Happiness, Tony Hsieh
• Lead with Luv, A conversation between Herb Kelleher and Ken Blanchard.
• Love is the Killer App, Tim Sanders

Begin Today

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give someone is to listen with curiosity and focused, loving attention. Instead of trying to fix or correct, just listen. Instead of constantly looking at your phone or monitor, give them your full attention. When you feel like interrupting, close your mouth and take a breath. When they pause, ask  “what else?”

If you liked (or loved) this post, please comment. Also, please tell us about your legendary leader. What did they do that made you feel the love?

Honor Your Limitations

As we begin another turn around the sun, it seems proper to focus on possibilities and opportunities—on our limitless nature. Having never been accused of being proper or conventional, I’d rather talk about limitations. Plus, now that we’re well into February, the shiny coating on your resolutions may be showing some dullness, letting in a ray of reality.

Limitations get an undeserved bad reputation. Without limits—constraints—we’d lack focus, purpose, direction. We would say yes to everything, run ourselves out of energy and into the ground.

Those who know me well, know that I am not afraid to say no—no to people, events, tasks—anything that feels like an energy drainer. I try to live by a philosophy of striving for maximum results with the minimal output of effort. I have not always done this gracefully. Once, when I began a new job, I ignored back pain, not wanting to ask for time off, and ended up in the hospital. To live more honestly and fully, I’ve had to discover my strengths and weaknesses and respect all of it. I’ve had to learn to pay fierce attention to my body’s signals—intuitive and physical— then listen and abide.

When we ignore our limitations, we overburden ourselves and diminish our capacity to do what matters most and to share our most profound gifts with others.

Some signs you may be ignoring your limitations:

• Your dance card is full and you’re spinning around the room with acquaintances instead of people you adore
• You feel physical distress or illness often
• You feel guilty about how you spend your time
• You are moody and disagreeable often
• You don’t use your strengths every day

If you experience some of the signs perhaps it’s time to step back and take inventory of your limitations: which ones are you ignoring, hoping they will disappear or convert to strengths through some undiscovered alchemy?

I am still working on finding a balance—saying no and yes in a way that best serves me, my family, my intentions, and the world. Two things I know: 1) I will have ample opportunities to practice, and 2) I will have ample limitations to remind me what matters and what’s worth doing.

Each of us has different strengths and constraints. Heck, even superheroes have limiting forces. Imagine if Superman ignored his allergy to kryptonite and told himself instead to “suck it up and move on.” If you don’t figure out what matters most—what deserves most of your attention, and what most constrains you, you may someday find out the hard way.

If you don’t have constant physical reminders of your mortality and limitations, you may have to try even harder to create boundaries so you can focus your attention in ways that serves you and the world.

Exercise and Questions for the Willing

1. Brainstorm your limitations. Have fun with it. Name them big and small.
2. Identify the biggest limitations.
3. What is your relationship to your limitations? Do you resent them, love them, respect them, appreciate them?
4. Think about how you spend your physical and emotional energy. What are you saying yes to that is in conflict with your limitations?
5. If you keep it up, what’s likely to happen?
6. What can you say no to, that would free up energy?
7. What do you feel when you contemplate saying no?

A “no” uttered from the deepest conviction is better and greater than a “yes” merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

- Mahatma Gandhi

Happy Valentines Day!

From the Heart,

Denise

Thanks to Risë Venditti for her insight while Heather is on maternity leave with her two healthy bundles of love and limits, Ella and Charlie.

Celebrating My Roots on All Soul’s Day

As a child, Fall was my favorite season and Halloween my favorite holiday. Perhaps it was that my early November birthday gave me reason to host a spooky costume birthday celebration. Or maybe that Halloween satisfied my love of chocolate and flair for drama.

My love of the season is ever deeper as I reflect on the true significance of November 2.

Please indulge a tribute on this All Souls Day/Dia de Los Muertos/Day of the Dead.

First, I am so grateful to have the problems that I have. My ancestors (and yours) didn’t have the luxury of our worries: Which preschool do I choose? What vendor do I partner with? Where should we go on vacation? In which direction should I take my career? Do I buy the MAC or PC? To Kindle, or not to Kindle..?

They were too busy trying to survive. Thank goodness they were heartier than I, for I would have certainly been utterly pathetic and perished during my first Mid-West winter.

The only evidence I need to prove their heartiness is my existence. But with regard to my grandparents, I have more.

First, my late Grandma Thelma. Things I know she endured: Midwest Winters, an ailing mother, covered wagon, death of her husband, raising three boys, farming, arthritis, and death of a son. And the only worry I can recall her expressing was concern that increasing memory loss would result in her forgetting us, her family. Until her last days, this increasingly tiny woman had an enormous sense of humor, matched only by her appetite and compassion.

Then there’s my very much alive Grandpa Bob and Grandmother Dori. Things I know they endured: orphaned at age 7, built a business from nothing, lost a thriving business to a life-long employee’s theft, cancer (cured), viral-enduced paralysis (cured), heart bypass (many), raising six (six!) children, and losing a son. And now, in their 80s, they fish any day they can, quilt, build steel sheds, deliver meals on wheels (to “Old” people), and still have vibrant senses of humor and, I think, a crush on each other.

I can’t hold a candle to this. All I need to lose my sense of humor is a poor night’s sleep, weak coffee, or a two-year old’s tantrum. Born into the post-Industrial age, I am free to concern myself with finding ways to build relationships and express my talents in ways that give to the world and create income (after I sync my iphone, update Facebook, check my email, buy groceries, and pay my bills online).

Whether you were adopted or know your genetic lineage, you can practice gratitude to those who cared for you, sacrificed for you, and the multitude of faceless ancestors who survived loads or who-knows-what before you were ever a possibility, then a reality.

Warmest and spirited regards,

Denise

For those who care to contemplate further, here are some questions for reflection

• - What did your ancestors endure?
• - What talents/gifts of yours can you see in your living elders?
• - What annoying traits of theirs can you find in yourself?
• - How can you bring lightness to this awareness?
• - How can you increase your compassion, patience, gratitude for your elders and ancestors?
• - How can you express your gifts to benefit others?
• - Who do you need to phone, write, or skype today?

Book recommendation:
Murther and Walking Spirits by Robertson Davies

Please share your discoveries!