When we ask program participants and clients about times when they felt in the zone, nearly all can name one. Barely anyone claims to there now. And survey research supports this observation. According to a Gallup poll, more than 70 percent of people are disengaged from their job.

There are several key ingredients to peak performance. Knowing them can make it easier to diagnose what’s missing.

Recipe at-a-Glance: One part S (Strengths) to four parts P (Passion, Purpose, Preferences, Progress).

One Part ‘S’

1. Strengths:
In every peak moment, you will find that you are doing what you do best. Strengths may be learned skills or innate abilities. Either way, they are things that you excel at. Sometimes it’s hard to notice your own strength because it comes easily to you. What comes easily to you – public speaking, playing music, interpersonal skills, listening, remembering and using data – is terrifyingly difficult for others. Where you exhibit grace, others stumble or exert more effort for the same or less outcomes.

Ways to determine strengths:

• Take an inventory assessment: Gallup’s StrengthsFinder or Highlands Ability Battery are good options
• Recall what tasks at work you do most effortlessly

Four Parts P

1. Passion:
Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you like doing it.

Ways to determine passion:

• What tasks do you rarely procrastinate?
• When you do procrastinate, what do you tend to work on instead?
• What projects, work, tasks, do you volunteer or readily take on?
• If you could go back to school now, what would you major in?
• If money were no concern, how would you fill your days?

2. Purpose:
Whether you’re making a difference within a home, a company, or more broadly in the world, you feel like your contribution matters.

Ways to get clear about your purpose:

• What would I do if money were no object?
• What am I here to do?
• How can I add value to others and the world at large?
• How would I like to be remembered?
• What are the three most important lessons I would like to pass on to my children?

3. Preferences:
If your work doesn’t fit your personal preferences, you won’t feel motivated.

Preferences may include working:

• Alone or on a team
• In an office or at home
• At a fast or slow pace
• With a flexible or predictable schedule
• In a quiet or sound-filled environment

Of all the ingredients, this is the one that most fluctuates over time. What matters one day may change the next. Perhaps you were fine with working 60 hours a week when you just graduated college. But not now. Or, maybe a consulting job with lots of travel worked well until you had a child. Now, not so much. Or maybe now that you’re a parent you’d like to travel more!

4. Progress

In August, 2011, Harvard’s Teresa Amabile and Psychologist Steven Kramer published their book The Progress Principle, where they share their findings from a data-rich study of over 200 people in 7 countries. Dan Pink, author of Drive, calls it the best business book he’s read in years. The authors amassed 12,000 days worth of data from study participants and reported fascinating conclusions about what really motivates people at work, and conversely, what chokes creativity and engagement. They found that what motivates people most is making progress on meaningful work. And sadly, they also found that these valued “small wins” are too rare. What can you do? Amabile suggests:

• “Religiously protect at least 20 minutes – and, ideally, much more – every day, to tackle something in the work that matters most to you. Hide in an empty conference room, if you have to, or sneak out in disguise to a nearby coffee shop.
• Make note of any progress you made (even if it was a small win), and decide where to pick up again the next day.”

We also suggest that you

• Allow yourself to really savor the accomplishment, by pausing and letting a sense of satisfaction penetrate you…before you jump back on the hamster wheel. (like savoring clicking the “Publish” button on a blog).

Managers!

• Ask your employees how easy it is to make progress on meaningful work (on a scale of 0-10)
• Ask what gets in the way
• Ask what ideas they have for removing obstacles
• Support them in removing obstacles and check back often to recalibrate

Living Brilliantly

When life feels a little bitter or salty, take a look at the recipe for brilliance. Compare it to your life. Figure out what’s missing and take steps to get it more in balance.

We don’t mean to oversimplify. Taking steps to add a dash of anything may take incredible efforts. This is where it may make sense to find a coaching partner to help you bring some brilliance back to your life. An effective coach knows that living brilliantly involves more than creating quality work. To really feel “in the zone” you need to build a strong foundation of support in all aspects of your life, for example, good health, quality rest, fulfilling relationships, and fun. Every individual has a unique recipe that leads to ultimate fulfillment.

Note, if life feels sweet, just relax and savor.

Managers: this is the key to career development coaching. Many of your staff could use help figuring out how to get in the zone. They may feel awkward admitting to you that their job situation isn’t optimal. You can help by actively helping people develop more of a balance in their recipe.

Recommended Reading

The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz (2004)

Don’t Waste Your Talent: The 8 Critical Steps To Discovering What You Do Best by Bob McDonald, Don E. Hutcheson, Lazar Emanuel, and Thomas N. Tavantzis (2005)

Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance by Marcus Buckingham (2007)

Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton (2001)

The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work by Amabile and Steven Kramer

Note: This is an updated version of the original, first published in our ebook, Conversations for Brilliance. This version was amended to include the very important fourth P, progress on meaningful work.

Have you ever given someone feedback that they then ignored?

Just because you offer feedback doesn’t mean that it’s accepted. Feedback done poorly can produce undesirable results: demotivating an employee and potentially damaging the relationship. Perhaps this is why so many managers fail to give feedback at all.

As you’ve probably experienced from being on the receiving side of the conversation, there is more to giving feedback then simply getting the words out. Yet, most feedback models focus more on delivering a message according to a set of rules, instead of delivering it in a way that ensures it is actually received.

Common Wisdom About Feedback

Here’s a summary of existing advice about structuring and delivering feedback:

• Be specific: offer details for clarity
• Be timely: don’t wait until a regularly scheduled formal review conversation
• Give often: so it’s part of normal conversation
• Be objective: deliver with facts and without color commentary. I.e., “In the meeting, you raised your voice, slammed your notebook shut, and walked out.” Instead of “You were very rude in the meeting.”
• Describe the impact: What did or could result from the behavior?
• Suggest an alternative way of approaching the situation next time

All of these suggestions are fine and helpful. But they won’t guarantee that the feedback will have the desired outcome.

Upgrading Your Feedback Delivery

We care less about the structure of feedback and more about the intent and content. Some tips on delivering feedback that sticks:

• Give it with the intent of genuinely helping.
• Make sure you have a trusting relationship already.
• Maintain curiosity and ask for their point of view.
• Frame the feedback around their brilliance and what they care about.

Let’s talk about that last item. If you do nothing else from either list, try giving feedback that honors a person’s brilliance. That is, give feedback in the context of what’s important to them, not you. For example, an employee in Corporate Finance may pride herself on submitting error-free reports. A colleague in sales may care about being factually correct as well, but what really matters most to him could be understanding and connecting with the client. The feedback you give is more likely to stick if, in these examples, you frame the feedback you give to the Finance employee around how it can forward error-free work, while talking with the Sales employee about the actions he could take to help him understand the client even more. In the same way, praise that acknowledges the areas they care about will have a much greater impact.

People rarely tell you directly what motivates them. Here are some suggestions for determining what matters most to a someone:

• What subjects is he most passionate about?
• Where does he seem to spend the largest percentage of his time?
• When does he get most defensive?
• When does he most appreciated?
• When he describes his work, what does he focus on?
• What assignments does he volunteer for or do most efficiently?

And, you can always ask:

• How do you like to be known?
• What feedback or praise has meant the most to you?
• What part of your work is most meaningful/rewarding?
• What feedback or praise falls flat (has the least impact)?

Connect, Calm, Caring

Instead of trying to remember a model or follow a script precisely, try connecting the feedback message to something the recipient actually cares about. That, plus a calm, caring demeanor on your part, is likely to ensure that the feedback has your desired effect.

Make sure you’re signed up for this blog so you’ll get notified about our upcoming free video training about feedback!

Think you could become fluent in Spanish in a one-day workshop?

Us neither.

How about proficient on piano in one day?

Nope.

Scientific research tell us, (what you already knew intuitively), that it takes at least 21 days of practice to instill a new habit. And, mastery is another thing altogether. If Malcolm Gladwell has it right in his latest book Outliers, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to be superlative in any field.

Yet, when it comes to developing the behaviors that characterize great leadership, many clients expect mastery in a day. We firmly believe that a leadership training workshop is just the beginning.

Practice makes…
If you are in a fabulous training program (like one of ours for example!) you can gain awareness about yourself and others, practice new skills, and plan to implement the behaviors.  While helpful, it’s probably not enough to keep the momentum going while everything in your life and workplace encourages business (and behavior) as usual. If you need any evidence that this is true, just glance at that shelf in your office where good training binders go to die, collecting dust.

Real, lasting improvement begins with epiphanies and takes hold with practice. That is why we became coaches. We saw too many great people fail to turn their insights into action after the (Incredible! Amazing!) workshop ended and reality happened.

Our goal:
Change the way corporations support leadership development so that the efforts create real, sustainable, brilliant results.

We have left the land of denial where we pretended that deep change could happen in a few hours, as long as the content was well designed, the leaders well-intentioned, and the facilitator was incredible.  We want you to join us!

You need support while you create new habits, gain proficiency and eventually, fluency. That is why we created the ebook Conversations for Brilliance: Tools to Help You Inspire Extraordinary Results from Yourself and Others.

Conversations for Brilliance:
With this ebook, you can become your own personal coach and refine (or overhaul) your practice to improve the quality of your conversations, your relationships, and your results. Learning how to consistently have more powerful conversations takes practice.

Leaders don’t have the luxury of practicing their trade off the field. Every day, in every conversation, and with every decision, you are developing yourself as a manager, colleague, influencer, collaborator, parent, trusted partner, etc. You’re practicing anyway…why not get the benefit of some pragmatic, experienced help so you develop the outcomes you need?

What’s in the book:
We’ve included ideas, information, assignments, assessments, and other tools that, when applied with regularity and gusto, will shape your results in all aspects of your life.

Our mission is to help you have more powerful conversations-all conversations, whether with yourself or with others, big or small, long or short, easy or uncomfortable-so that you evoke brilliance in yourself and others.

Are you ready to have more powerful conversations and improve your results? If yes, click here to order your copy.

Testimonials
Here’s what people are saying about the book:

“Conversations for Brilliance is a powerful tool for managers at all levels who want to challenge and inspire their employees, as well as themselves, toward achieving ever improving performance. ”
- JAY S. BENET, VICE CHAIRMAN AND CFO, The Travelers Companies, Inc.

“It’s been said that the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of the questions we ask ourselves and others who are central to our success and happiness and, of course, the quality of our answers to those questions. Those who thoughtfully answer the provocative questions posed in Brilliance will have insights galore, plus a wealth of recommendations from which to choose as they step onto a more effective and compelling path. What a great resource!”
- SUSAN SCOTT, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF Fierce Conversations, Achieving Success at Work & in Life – One Conversation at a Time and Fierce Leadership, A Bold Alternative to the Worst “Best” Practices of Business Today

“In Conversations for Brilliance, Denise and Heather succeed in communicating profound and complex leadership concepts in an accessible manner. I recommend this book for good, introspective managers looking for advice on how to grow people-advice that goes beyond the simple management or coaching how-to’s they can find elsewhere.”
- MARIA V. WAYNE, Ph.D. AND SENIOR DIRECTOR, GLOBAL LEARNING AND DEVELOPMENT, Seagate Technology

“Reaching for our potential is in our DNA; we’re each born with an innate desire to discover all the brilliance that lies within us. In Conversations for Brilliance, Denise and Heather provide a guide, a wealth of tools, and practical advice to enrich the journey of discovery. This book is a resource you will find yourself going back to again and again as you navigate the most important relationships in your life.”
- KIRSTEN WOLBERG, CIO salesforce.com

Click here to learn more and order the ebook!

One of the most powerful, reliable ways to break through is to work with a partner who, when they speak with us, is intently focused solely on our complete success. Most people don’t have someone like this in their life. And such a partner is so valuable, they are willing to pay for it. Thus, the rise of coaching as a profession.

Though skillful and effective, coaches are no magicians. If you want to improve your relationships, your results, and your satisfaction in every aspect of life, borrow the behaviors of the coaching trade and become a leader who cultivates excellence in yourself and others.

This may sound daunting. Managers lament that they don’t have time to add yet another meeting to their busy work day. We agree. Instead of trying to crow-bar disconnected development conversations into your schedules, weave these behaviors into existing conversations in ways that inspire better results.

Inspirational Conversation:
Coaching conversations don’t have to be long. Inspiration can come in an instant. You can probably recall a moment when a comment, question, or gesture profoundly affected your life’s direction.

For evidence that a brief conversation can be meaningful, look to Hawaii. Hawaiians can have a meaningful exchange using ONE WORD: Aloha. Most people know that Aloha means both “hello” and “goodbye.” Yet, there’s a much deeper, heartfelt meaning that conveys grace, respect, and goodwill. Hawaiians speak of the Aloha Spirit that imbues their world, creating a shared, sacred space.

Our ALOhA Conversation Model for evoking brilliance has four steps: 1) Assess, 2) Learn, 3) Offer help, and 4) Action.

Coaches embody this model as follows:

1. Assess:
They assess all aspects of a situation-self, other, and situation-before deciding how to react in conversation. They examine the baggage they bring to the conversation in the form of assumptions, beliefs, moods, etc. and consciously make an effort to set a positive intention for the conversation and leave unnecessary baggage at the door. If the baggage comes along, they admit it. This could look like a manager saying, “I had a terrible morning and it has nothing to do with you. I am doing my best to leave my morning behind me and be here for our conversation.” Or, “I have a lot of emotion wrapped up in this project.”

2. Learn:
Once in conversation, coaches listen before they jump. They ask questions to learn about the situation instead of making unchecked assumptions. They speak less than the other person. They ask open-ended questions that begin with “What,” “When,” and “How” to help gather information.

3.Offer help:
Once they achieve shared understanding, coaches offer help strategically. They may share an observation, give feedback, praise, or give advice. Or, they may help someone find a new way of looking at the problem that opens up possibilities. We refer to this as recasting.

4. Action:
Finally, they help people take decisive, effective, strategic action.

Not rocket science. But not easy either. We’re simply not conditioned to behave this way in conversations. Most of us make assumptions, act on them, and leave a quick conversation with mutual misunderstanding. People often leave the same meeting with different understandings of what happened and what’s expected.

Moving at warp speed, we’ve misplaced our curiosity, believing that taking time to really understand someone will create a drag. But it’s the haphazard conversations that slow us down and challenge our success. One of the easiest ways to offend someone is to tell them “I know how you feel.” People want to feel understood, and feel seen. Telling them we know how they feel, although it may take less time and may even be sincere, only pushes brilliance further away.

While it may take some effort and practice, it’s worth it to build the capability to slow down, increase you curiosity, and really understand the person before offering help.
Get good at taking these four ALOhA steps often and you’re likely to experience the following:

• You will have a greater impact in your conversations
• People will want to help you achieve your goals
• Your company will save money on leadership coaches and team performance consultants

We invite you to inspire brilliance.
Aloha

Aloha:
Folk etymology claims that the word is derived from the
Hawaiian words alo meaning “presence”, “front”, “face”, or
“share”; and ha, meaning “breath of life” or “essence of life.”

Resources:
Brilliance Inc. eBook: Conversations for Brilliance: Tools to Help You Inspire Extraordinary Results from Yourself and Others. Click here to learn more about the eBook and purchase your copy.

Quotes:

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations.
~ Truman Capote

Each person’s life is lived as a series of conversations.
~ Deborah Tannen, Author

A leader’s job, rather, is to create the environment for innovation and help people discover the best possible answers that will result in the best possible outcomes. This is most likely to happen when you take the following 6 steps:

1. Seek out people completely unlike yourself in terms of experience, view of the business and client, and beliefs
2. Ask questions, listen deeply, and pay intense attention
3. Pause for reflection
4. Decide, and then act quickly on a small scale
5. Observe, learn from the results, and adjust accordingly
6. Act in a big, bold way that would have been impossible had you decided and acted alone

Seems fairly straight-forward, no? Then why do we often see this practice instead?

- Decide alone or with like minds, act, and fail to meet desired outcomes
- Repeat and talk about “holding people accountable” then
- Repeat, possibly firing people who aren’t “team players” then
- Fail on a grand scale…which leads to at least two options:

- Leave, blaming the failure on others, and repeat the process elsewhere,
or
- Try something new.

For examples of this leadership technique and its aftermath you can look to Wall Street, American auto-makers, or the Oakland Raiders since 2003, to name a few heart-wrenching examples (for a long-time Raiders fan, that is).

No leader wants to fail. So, why are so many smart, competitive, well-meaning leaders continuously trying to impose their ideas on others, wondering why people don’t always line up in compliance or why results aren’t up to expectations? Answer: years of conditioning and a millennia of programming.

Let’s briefly look at how we often get derailed on our way through the 6 steps in the high-performing process.

Step 1
First off, step 1 (seeking diverse views) is counterintuitive. Our brains are wired with a bias to surround ourselves with people like us. To engage with people unlike ourselves entails overcoming our primitive conditioning to fear or mistrust anyone “different.” It takes a very mindful and confident person to admit that he has this bias, and then act against it.

Step 2-3
Second, steps 2 through 3 (ask questions, listen, pay attention, pause) involve going slow to go fast. And Americans (among others) are generally conditioned to prefer fast. It takes incredible discipline to slow down amidst the competitive pressures and the habit of speed. The pressure to act quickly (and autonomously) is even more intense when leaders are new to a role or expectations and pressures are high.

Step 4-5
Steps 4 and 5 are all about course-correcting based on available evidence. The problem here lies in evaluating evidence objectively, instead of skewing the data (even subconsciously) to prove our assumptions and biases correct. A wise scientist once spoke: “I have trained myself to see what I observe.” One way to ensure that you “see” clearly is to consult people who see the world differently from you, then listen objectively to their feedback, ready to see flaws in your brilliant prototype. Or, you could just plow ahead with your “Flat Earth” campaign and see how that works for you.

Step 6
Finally, step 6 (acting boldly) requires leaders to take a leap of faith. Smart, analytical people can get caught up in scenario planning and fail to act. If you’ve ever been on a team that suffered from “analysis paralysis” you know how draining such inaction can be.

Though challenging and counterintuitive, it can be done: we can intentionally create the conditions for productive innovation. And recall that the first step requires us to seek out council from potentially unlikely sources.

What is possible in conversation
Otto Scharmer of the Presencing Institute describes ground-breaking work with African Leaders. They convened a forum where the most powerful leaders in Africa conversed with the least powerful people imaginable: child victims of AIDS. After one 90-minute conversation with an 11-year old girl, one ex-president changed his point of view and was ready to act differently and with passionate intent. All it took was a conversation.

Conversations with differing people are not that hard to set up, yet we tend to avoid things that slow us down in the short term. But at what cost?

The U.S. military conducts “ground truth” conversations, where the highest ranking officers seek input and listen to lower ranking troops. For, when Generals and politicians act without such insight, really bad stuff tends to happen.

How often are rich, lively, cross-functional conversations taking place in your organization? What would happen if they were commonplace?

Imagine what could be different about the conversations (and results) in your world.

Resources:

Questions for reflection and inspiration:

• How am I listening to people I disagree with?
• How readily do people bring me bad news or disagree with me?
• How am I at creating spaces of silence where reflection, thought, and inspiration can happen?
• Whom can I seek out to better understand the issue from another side?
• How do I feel about my results in all aspects of my life?

Video:

This three minute video features a leader (conductor) with his orchestra and guest star performer. Pay careful attention to the conductor at about 2:45 into the video. How is the conductor, not the vocal artist, the leader? How does the conductor let go? What arises when he lets go?

Books:
Presence, Human Purpose and the Field of the Future, by Peter M. Senge, C. Otto Scharmer, Joseph Jaworski, and Betty Sue Flowers
The Art of Possibility, Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander
Blink, Malcolm Gladwell

Links:
Presencing Institute: http://www.presencing.com/
The World Café: http://www.theworldcafe.com/

Quotes:
No one can whistle a symphony. It takes an orchestra to play it.
- H.E. Luccock

We can’t solve problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
- Einstein

Poem/Song excerpt:

Feel the pain
Talk about it…
Open hearts
Feel about it
Open minds
Think about it …

Time to eat all your words
Swallow your pride
Open your eyes…

And anything is possible when you’re
Sowing the seeds of love
Anything is possible
Sowing the seeds of love

- Tears for Fears

Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose
the good we oft might win
by fearing to attempt.
- Shakespeare

On the tour, anticipation of the dark unknown creates fear and anxiety in some. This angst can cause tourists to cling tightly to their canes with one hand, reaching out with the other hand until they find a wall.

Once there, they back up against the beloved wall or corner and try to get small. They listen for instruction, hoping that the tour is almost over. If not for the skillful, calm direction of the guide (the only one who actually seems comfortable and confident) peoples’ experience would be very limited.

Unless your idea of success involves cowering in a corner, business leaders may want to take a few cues from the tour guides. The following are some ideas that can help you lead more effectively when the way forward looks a bit dark. If you are not a business leader, substitute the word ‘team’ in the following tips with the relevant audience (e.g. self, colleagues, family, boss):

1. Admit it’s dark and uncomfortable and scary.

Putting on a brave face and pretending that it’s not hard or that you won’t stumble, will not win you any favors or followers. People need to hear that their fears are normal. If they see that leaders can acknowledge fear and still take action, it opens up possibilities for others. Admit there will be stumbles. Express your genuine confidence that you will all survive the experience and be better for it.

2. Describe the environment as you know it.

Share any information that you can legally share. Err on the side of over-communication. On the tour, people find it helpful to know the dimensions, purpose, contents, and layout of the room. Leaders, what are your revenues, losses, cash flow, business plans, and commitments? What does the future hold? Are lay-offs happening? When? If you don’t know, share that. For individuals, learn your options. When people don’t have facts, they invent their own.

3. Encourage people to use their strongest resources.

If business as usual isn’t working, look to your other strengths and use the resources that fit the situation. Trying to rely on a capability once it’s gone is nonsense. Yet, on the tour, sighted ones found that their useless eyes hurt from strain, when they could have just shut them and learned from the scents, sounds, and textures. Stop trying to lead with a service, skill, or product that’s no longer in demand. Successful teams and individuals recalibrate and rely on their available individual and collective strengths.

4. Encourage and permit people to explore and innovate.
Innovation–creating value for the customer–is the escape hatch out of dire business circumstances. Yet, in turbulent times, we are most likely to opt for safety instead of moving toward something unknown. Encourage people to leave their corner, get big, and join you in creating something.

5. Rely on others and practice gratitude

You are not alone and no points are awarded for martyrdom. So ask for help and accept it from others. If you have an internal “competitor” in another department, join forces, reminding yourself that you aim for the same vision, then leverage your collective strengths.

In uncertain times, there’s at least one thing you can count on: The sun will come out tomorrow. On this, we would bet our bottom dollar. May we all rise to the occasion.

Resources to Ignite You and Your Team

Free Webinar: Moving your Team from Concern to Confident Action. Click here to sign up.

Contact us to discuss how our new offerings may help your team:

58-Minute Workshop for Managers: Moving from Concern to Confident Action
Program for In-Tact Teams: Achieving Results in Turbulent Times (ARTT)

To others, the idea that we have responsibility for our satisfaction and success is deeply, deeply annoying.

While we may not like to readily admit it, being a victim is fun stuff. For, as victims, we can wallow in anger and resentment, burying feelings in a heap of ice-cream, nicotine, exercise or (insert your favorite distracter here) _____. As victims, we are not at fault but at the mercy of the economy, a boss, an ailing company, a family member, or (insert favorite villain here) ____. As victims, we run little risk of improving our circumstances.

If you want your circumstances to improve, you must abandon victimhood.

Switching Camps
It takes more than a sunny disposition to climb from an abyss as deep as the one you may feel like you’ve fallen into. Here are some steps you can take to hike your way to victory. If you lead others, engage in this work as a team for best results.

1. Establish (or re-establish) a Vision:
What matters? Why do you do what you do? What brings meaning to the work that you do? Without a vision to anchor us, our actions tend to lack direction and focus.

2. Take Stock of Your Strengths:
What differentiates you? What opportunities can you find in the market?

3. Cut the Fluff:
What can/must you stop doing? Say no to those activities that don’t move you toward your vision and delight your customers.

4. Create Products and Services that Delight Your Customers:
Those who do so will thrive. The Leaders of the Big 3 carmakers said they were victims of the economy: they did their jobs and created the products people wanted. What they should have been doing was creating products we didn’t know we wanted.

Nintendo didn’t create the Wii because of the pent up demand for virtual bowling in our living rooms. Apple didn’t imagine and create the iPod or iPhone based on user satisfaction surveys or buying trends. Victors don’t sit around waiting for the public to create their new business plan. Rather, they empathize, anticipate, and deliver. Then they do it again. No excuses.

5. Create a Plan:
Create realistic, achievable, stretch goals. Then delegate assignments based on team members’ strengths and passion. Ensure plans and action steps align with your compelling vision and are leading toward a delightful outcome for clients.

6. Retool:
Take time to improve your skills, knowledge, processes, habits, and relationships.

Lead by Example
Barack Obama has been asked by various interviewers if he has regrets about taking over a lemon of an economy. He responds that, for those who aspire to public service, there is no better time than this. For, turbulent times offer the greatest opportunity to make a positive, lasting difference in people’s lives.

While it sure was fun, coasting along blithely on the economic bubble that burst under some quite villainous actions, it’s no fun wallowing in the aftermath. We invite you to set aside your tub of Ben and Jerry’s and join us on a path to victory. Ok, you can still bring the ice cream.

By the way, victors are not villains. They do not rise to success on the backs of others. When we prevail brilliantly in turbulent times, we bring others with us by demonstrating courageous leadership.

Unfortunately, innumerable examples of less than brilliant conversations exist in the workplace: The team conversation impersonating a rolling hairball, with no clear end in sight and all sorts of fluff and dust getting caught up in the mess; the feedback conversation that starts out tense and ends with us wondering if the relationship (and our stress level) would be better if we had kept out mouths shut; the career-limiting comment to the boss’ boss that leaves you wondering why you got out of bed; or the well-meaning co-worker across the globe who keeps misinterpreting what you say.

Sound familiar?

There’s hope. You can learn to consistently express yourself with aplomb and grace, eloquence and candor.

First, Begin With the Behavior: Identify Your Weak Spot

We invite you to observe yourself over one week and identify which of the following less-than-brilliant behaviors you notice in conversations that matter to you:
Monopolize the conversation (speak more than 50%)Speak before thinking (and regret what you say)
Make snarky or snide comments
Make comments that others seem to misinterpret
Raise issues/confront people in an unproductive way that leaves the relationship soured

• Refrain from speaking your mind
• Stumble over words
• Be at a loss for words
• Ignore the elephant (conflict/upset) in the room
• Be wishy-washy (instead of making clear assertions, requests, or observations)
• Others?

If you checked more than one, identify the one that feels most egregious and focus on improving that behavior first. If you checked none, hand the list to someone you trust to speak the truth with compassion (or at least a good sense of humor) and ask them to pick one for you.

Second, Investigate: When Does this Undesirable Behavior Pop Up?

Once you have identified the behavior reflect further:

• What situations do I tend to be in when this happens? (with my boss, on a conference call, in a team meeting, in a one-on-one, when I am nervous or stressed, when I am overly confident, when I am unfamiliar or unsure of the content/topic, when I am feeling relaxed, when I am offended, when I have had too much coffee?)
• Who are the people I am talking with when this happens? (Boss, peer, client, vendor, friends, family?)

Once you realize when you are most likely to be at your worst conversationally, you are better prepared to self-observe and self-correct. This self awareness is the first step toward being emotionally intelligent-recognizing your own actions and emotions and being able to moderate them to be effective with others.

Third, Practice a New Behavior

• Pick an upgrade: What reaction would you rather have or what action would you rather take? (to pause before speaking, to ask others what they think, to interject, to share your opinion, to be genuinely more curious about what the other persons’ perspective is, to have more self compassion for how difficult it is to act to our full capacity in stressful situations).
• Pick a venue: You may want to start practicing the new behavior in less triggering situations or with less provoking people. Think of it as putting training wheels on your bike before transitioning from a tricycle to a ten-speed, or (if it has been a long time since you have been on a bike) as lifting weights for lasting improvement: lots of repetitions with light weights.

Here are some common behaviors and suggested practices:

Allow others air time:

• Count to three (or five if you can stand it!) after you ask a question. This allows others time to interject and often provides more information too.
• Identify a team meeting you regularly participate in.
• Notice who doesn’t speak up much. Draw them into the conversation, inviting them to share their valued thoughts.

Think before you speak:

• Before you make a phone call, write an email, or speak up in a meeting, stop and consider: What is my purpose for this meeting and what is my intended outcome? Clarifying this can help you be more succinct and clear.
• Then ask yourself if you still want to make the comment. Will what you are going to say help move the conversation forward?

Speak with empathy

• Before a one-on-one meeting, pause for a moment and put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
• What might they be concerned about, excited about? What matters to them? What might they be seeing from their perspective?

Express yourself clearly

• Prepare your thoughts in advance. Note your opinions, requests, facts, ideas. Edit them to remove any non-essential words.
• Practice speaking in phrases that do not rise in intonation (like a question).
• Practice asking others to paraphrase their understanding of what you have said.
• If you tend to think best talking out loud, find someone who will listen and help you clarify your thoughts before a meeting with others.

Apologize

• Despite your best intentions, you are bound to err. When you do, apologize and communicate your intention to do better. Then do better.

Brainstorm some practices on your own, or work with a coach to help you identify what you want to do more of in your conversations. Identify the outcome you want (a productive conversation with your boss, to engage and motivate the team)and figure out what it will take to produce that.
Because we believe it is always good to keep our eye on what is working well, we encourage you to leverage your strengths, look at what you do well in conversation and practice that more too.

Conducting conversations skillfully can be challenging; with practice you can be utterly brilliant.

We hope you enjoy your holidays and wish you a Happy New Year!

The answers will come, but not before we have to face our fears. And since we at Brilliance Inc. are advocates for taking control of our own reactions (because any other control is an illusion), this edition is dedicated to taming the boogeyman within.

First, evaluate your contribution:
If you are reading this, you are a leader in some capacity, in your organization, team or family. As leaders, you have an important role to play as Chief Fear Tamer. It is not a role that everyone is up to. You may have noticed that our nation presently lacks leadership. Had we had strong leadership in the first few weeks after the Lehman Brothers, AIG, et. al. collapse, the stock market might not have looked like The Nightmare on Wall Street.

An MIT professor of Management described it aptly when he stated that we couldn’t ask for two more technically gifted individuals in the Treasury Secretary and Federal Bank Chairman. And yet neither was able to describe their plans and actions in a way that assured banks and the general public in a way that would prevent a good old-fashioned panic. In the absence of effective leadership, technical expertise didn’t do the trick. Fear reigned, rendering government’s plans impotent to the whims and fears of mortals.

Taming the fear goblin:
Before you can tame the fear goblin, it’s important to come clean with yourself. Maybe you did look at your 401K account 40 times in one week. Maybe you did absorb countless hours of toxic news reports. Maybe you did ensnare neighbors and family in frightening what-if scenarios. Maybe you read every political poll update you could get your hands on. Maybe you failed to reassure those who depend on you.

So be it. Now you have a choice. You can decide to face your fears and choose behaviors that build resilience. If you’d like to slay the goblin and be one of the leaders your organization, team and family need, read on for actions you can take starting now.

Reduce your Toxic Intake:

• Go On a Toxic TV Diet
  • Stop Watching TV news. Many of you may think this impossible, even irresponsible, as a citizen of the world.
  • Our challenge: try it for 24 hours. See how well informed you remain. If you MUST watch TV news:
  • Stay away from the 24-hour channels, whose aim is to stoke fear and anguish so you stay glued to the tube, while possibly coming unglued from rational thinking.
• Watch the most dry (aka real) news you can find
  • Jim Leher News Hour on PBS
  • BBC World News
• Limit your news intake to less than 30 minutes online headline reviews, or less than one hour of (non inflammatory) news radio.
• Stop watching gruesome television programs depicting violence, fear, and murder.
• De-Tox Your Relationships
  • Avoid fear-mongering friends and family.
  • Tell others you wish to focus conversation topics on positive sentiments.

Get Inspired:

• Talk to someone who has come out the other end of tragedy.
• Read inspirational words.
• Envision a positive future.
• Ask whatever you believe in to help you co-create it.

Get Inspired:

• Gratitude: What in your life are you grateful for? What else? Keep expanding your lists. Notice the little things.
• Beauty: Notice it everywhere (the design of a car, the color of leaves, music, a child’s smile). Play soothing, upbeat, music.
• Humor: If you do watch television, stick to comedies and light fare.
• Perspective: Travel places. If you can’t go anywhere, travel virtually across time and space with great books.
• Volunteer to help someone in need.
• Exercise: Dance, walk, just move your body and pump endorphins into your brain to calm the panic.
• Healthy food: Eat whole, natural foods. Minimize alcohol, caffeine, and processed foods.
• Breath: Notice your breath.
• Sleep: Turning off the TV should make it easier to get your zzzzs.
• Relaxation: Notice the muscles in your face, jaw, neck, shoulders. Take breaks and let them relax.

Take Control Where You Can:

• Get the facts before acting.
• Acknowledge worst case scenarios without dwelling on them.
• Calibrate a likely outcome between the worst and best cases (get professional advice if you need help making a reality check).
• Know your options. Create a plan of action to be able to address the worst case scenario if need be.
• Note where you have gaps in the plan and find an expert to help you complete it.
• Acknowledge all that you have to be grateful for, even if your worst vision comes to pass

Embrace and Celebrate Reality:

On Nov. 2, citizens of Mexico will unite in celebration as they honor those loved ones who have passed from this life on earth. If there was ever an expression of true grace, it is Dia de Los Muertos, Day of the Dead. Mexicans will demonstrate that when one faces their deepest sorrow squarely, a space opens up that allows in an experience of true love and joy.

There are a number of remedies and tools out there: workshops, assessments, consultants, coaches, and for some, counselors or more alternative advisors. Deciding among remedies can cause you to want to sweep the problem under the rug – yet again.

We think it is helpful to take a step back, look at the situation more holistically, and see what needs to be attended to first.

We propose diagnosing your team, your personal effectiveness, your career, your marriage – whatever you are willing to take on – and selecting appropriate treatment just as you would with one of your most important assets: your health.

You start with triage – ensuring that the critical life giving elements are handled. Then move to manage pain and symptoms, with the aim of creating long term optimal health in the process. Let’s take a look.

1) Triage
It’s very difficult to achieve incredible (or even mediocre results) when you are bleeding or barely breathing. You must first attend to whatever it is that is squeezing the life out of your team, job, or relationship. It’s not the problem, per se, but the degree of severity that lands it in this category. Look for the gushing arteries. Is your attrition rate on your team through the roof? Are clients fleeing to the competition? Did you just launch your version of New Coke? Do your kids lock themselves in your room when you get home from work?

So, how do you figure out if you have a paper cut or a life-threatening injury? In some cases you may need to pay an outside firm or coach to run an analysis, or you could try asking some simple questions of yourself and your team such as:

What is it about working here that:

• Has you running screaming from your team meetings?
• Has you updating your resume or searching for a career coach?
• Has your spouse rolling his/her eyes and wearing ear plugs when you talk about your team/job?
• Has you moving your therapist to speed dial?

If you think we’re being too silly with some of these questions, think again. Research shows that you will often have more success breaching an ugly topic if you make light of it. But don’t expect real answers unless your team has high levels of trust. If that isn’t the case try:

• Curiosity: Ask “What do you see as the most significant, underlying reason for the challenges we face?”
• Silence: give them time to think. Then thank the first person who speaks and say “What else?”
• Offer your own painfully honest answer: (as long as it’s not cruel to any person on the team). You might start by naming the thing that everyone knows but no one feels safe naming.
• Start creating a safe environment: Apologize for your past poor behavior and commit to changing. Then, stop punishing people who express negativity. Instead, thank them for their courage, publicly if possible, and ask them what else they would like to share.

If you find out you have such an injury, take steps to fix it. Now. Recall the product. Confront the toxic boss. Apologize. Hire a new therapist. And if fixing it is not in your control, involve people in finding an interim solution until the problem is fixed. The goal here is to survive…in tact.

2) Managing Pain and Symptoms
Most teams and companies find they have problems in this level at some point. The goal should be to find the remedy that will relieve the most painful symptoms. Again, involving others in robust, real conversations in an atmosphere of trust will garner the best information.

• What makes it difficult to get things done?
• What frustrates you the most about working here?
• What one thing could we change to improve our effectiveness?
• What does our competition know that we don’t?
• If you were in charge and had complete control, what would you change?
• What is one thing I would change that would make my job less stressful?
• What is the situation that triggers unproductive conversation most frequently and how do we shift that?

3) Creating Optimal Health
While managing your symptoms, you can work toward optimal health. In business, this means going from good to brilliant. The answers are within the system, it just takes drawing them out with good questions, listening skills, and an environment of trust.

• • How could we be having more fun?
• • What’s going well? How could we make better?
• • If you were in charge, what improvement or change would you make?
• • How could we delight our clients?
• • How could we delight our employees?
• • What change could we make that would cause you to take your resume off the job boards for good?
• • What change could we make that would have you recommending this place to your best friend?
• • What keeps us from being as effective as we could be?
• • What looms in the future that threatens to knock us off balance?
• • Where do I feel most satisfied in my job and how can I do more of that?
• • What is going well in my career and what would excite me to take on next?

Just as in life, you can work on all these levels. You can take aspirin for the pain AND eat a healthy diet. Just remember to tie the tourniquet first.

Here are some of our favorite remedies:

Conduct conversations authentically, skillfully, and with care. Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott (workshop and book) can help you figure out how.

Recognize your need to grow as a leader (yes, even you!): What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. Marshall Goldsmith

Use tools for clarifying your path to health: The Grove (graphic facilitation that gives you a new way to clarify your vision, understand current conditions, and move forward productively)

Learn to optimize your strengths and flex your style-both as an individual and a team: MBTI, FIRO-B, Highlands, Strengthsfinder 2.0, Spherical Dynamics

Become a manager who evokes excellent performance and commitment in others: Coaching for Brilliance Workshop

Work with a partner to assess your situation, develop a targeted development plan, and achieve your goals: One-on-One Leadership Coaching

Here’s to your health.