Most people don’t wake up wanting to be mediocre. As children, we design visions of profound success and happiness. Still, one day, we reflect that while we may appear successful to others, we don’t feel as though we’ve tapped all our talents to create a truly fulfilling life. We’ve plateaued. And we don’t like it.
One of the most powerful, reliable ways to break through is to work with a partner who, when they speak with us, is intently focused solely on our complete success. Most people don’t have someone like this in their life. And such a partner is so valuable, they are willing to pay for it. Thus, the rise of coaching as a profession.
Though skillful and effective, coaches are no magicians. If you want to improve your relationships, your results, and your satisfaction in every aspect of life, borrow the behaviors of the coaching trade and become a leader who cultivates excellence in yourself and others.
This may sound daunting. Managers lament that they don’t have time to add yet another meeting to their busy work day. We agree. Instead of trying to crow-bar disconnected development conversations into your schedules, weave these behaviors into existing conversations in ways that inspire better results.
Inspirational Conversation:
Coaching conversations don’t have to be long. Inspiration can come in an instant. You can probably recall a moment when a comment, question, or gesture profoundly affected your life’s direction.
For evidence that a brief conversation can be meaningful, look to Hawaii. Hawaiians can have a meaningful exchange using ONE WORD: Aloha. Most people know that Aloha means both “hello” and “goodbye.” Yet, there’s a much deeper, heartfelt meaning that conveys grace, respect, and goodwill. Hawaiians speak of the Aloha Spirit that imbues their world, creating a shared, sacred space.
Our ALOhA Conversation Model for evoking brilliance has four steps: 1) Assess, 2) Learn, 3) Offer help, and 4) Action.
Coaches embody this model as follows:
1. Assess:
They assess all aspects of a situation-self, other, and situation-before deciding how to react in conversation. They examine the baggage they bring to the conversation in the form of assumptions, beliefs, moods, etc. and consciously make an effort to set a positive intention for the conversation and leave unnecessary baggage at the door. If the baggage comes along, they admit it. This could look like a manager saying, “I had a terrible morning and it has nothing to do with you. I am doing my best to leave my morning behind me and be here for our conversation.” Or, “I have a lot of emotion wrapped up in this project.”
2. Learn:
Once in conversation, coaches listen before they jump. They ask questions to learn about the situation instead of making unchecked assumptions. They speak less than the other person. They ask open-ended questions that begin with “What,” “When,” and “How” to help gather information.
3.Offer help:
Once they achieve shared understanding, coaches offer help strategically. They may share an observation, give feedback, praise, or give advice. Or, they may help someone find a new way of looking at the problem that opens up possibilities. We refer to this as recasting.
4. Action:
Finally, they help people take decisive, effective, strategic action.
Not rocket science. But not easy either. We’re simply not conditioned to behave this way in conversations. Most of us make assumptions, act on them, and leave a quick conversation with mutual misunderstanding. People often leave the same meeting with different understandings of what happened and what’s expected.
Moving at warp speed, we’ve misplaced our curiosity, believing that taking time to really understand someone will create a drag. But it’s the haphazard conversations that slow us down and challenge our success. One of the easiest ways to offend someone is to tell them “I know how you feel.” People want to feel understood, and feel seen. Telling them we know how they feel, although it may take less time and may even be sincere, only pushes brilliance further away.
While it may take some effort and practice, it’s worth it to build the capability to slow down, increase you curiosity, and really understand the person before offering help.
Get good at taking these four ALOhA steps often and you’re likely to experience the following:
• You will have a greater impact in your conversations
• People will want to help you achieve your goals
• Your company will save money on leadership coaches and team performance consultants
We invite you to inspire brilliance.
Aloha
Aloha:
Folk etymology claims that the word is derived from the
Hawaiian words alo meaning “presence”, “front”, “face”, or
“share”; and ha, meaning “breath of life” or “essence of life.”
Resources:
Brilliance Inc. eBook: Conversations for Brilliance: Tools to Help You Inspire Extraordinary Results from Yourself and Others. Click here to learn more about the eBook and purchase your copy.
Quotes:
A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations.
~ Truman Capote
Each person’s life is lived as a series of conversations.
~ Deborah Tannen, Author
Conversations for Brilliance
