Delusional Clients

I’m fortunate to partner with clients who inspire me with their courage, vision, and wit. Sadly, many of them don’t readily see what I see in them: they fail to notice the positive impact they have on others and may suffer from doubt, guilt, and loneliness.

And it’s not just top execs who suffer from this delusion.

Do You Suffer from Delusions of Smallness?

Here are some indicators:

• You fail to give yourself the same care and consideration as you give others (or your dog).
• You worry that all you’ve achieved is undeserved or ephemeral.
• You treat your body as a machine that runs on coffee and doesn’t require ample rest and rejuvenation.
• You say yes to all demands even if it means sacrificing sleep, sanity, and relationships.
• You apologize often for things outside your control, as in “I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to your 2:00 a.m. email” or “I’m so sorry it’s raining.”
• You compare yourself to others or to some ideal vision of who you think you should be.

Reality Check
No matter who you are or what you do for a living, if you ignore your body’s needs for rest, nutrition, and exercise, it will break down someday…almost certainly at a very inconvenient time and place. (Note, it’s possible, but highly unlikely, that you’ll get lucky and earn a standing ovation from 3,000 people after passing out stage as my buddy Steve Roesler did).

What You Can Do About It

• Make exercise, sleep, and healthy eating a priority. You don’t have to do this alone. Find partners–nutritionists, MDs, Sleep therapists, personal trainers etc. who can help you make lasting changes. Don’t give up until you have a thriving body with ample energy.
• Say ‘yes’ to work that is the best use of you and ‘no’ to work that can be delegated or stopped. When you delegate well you grow and inspire others.
• Recognize what is within your sphere of control and influence, and learn to accept the rest.
• Get perspective - Have a coach or HR partner interview staff to find out how you are truly perceived.
• Get networked - Leadership is lonely. Find colleagues you can talk to honestly.
• Practice gratitude. This is one of the best ways to get out of a funk. Pay thanks to everyone and anyone who helped you get where you are: teachers, coaches, bosses, professors, the BART conductor, the assembly line worker who built your car, the barrista…you get the idea.
• Eschew perfection. Stop making homemade cookies for your child’s bake sale. Outsource everything you can and focus your attention on quality time with people you care about.
• Eschew guilt. Guilt is rarely helpful and mostly toxic and unnecessary. If you find that you’ve had an integrity outage, apologize and do better. If you’re feeling guilty for not being superhuman, get over it. Examine your choices and limitations, choose how to spend your time, and move on.
• Embrace fun. Listen to vintage Steve Martin. Watch stupid YouTube videos. Go on the rides with your kid. Do whatever makes you smile and belly laugh. Take things less seriously.

Prioritize You

As you examine your long to-do list, recall that in forests, thousands of small species depend on the health and strength of the tallest trees. When you take care of yourself, everyone around you benefits.

“Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”

- Marianne Williamson

Medical Resource

I have the pleasure of recommending my MD, Dr. Morgan Camp who specializes in helping busy executives return their bodies to balance and find optimal health. I have first-hand knowledge that he gets people thriving quickly. His office is in Mill Valley, CA and he also consults by phone. Make yourself a priority today.

Book

The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working by Tony Schwartz

Change for Good

As an Executive Coach, my job is to help people change for good. Not everyone is ready for such a project.  Some people just want everyone around them to change instead. And others worry that if they change their behaviors, they’ll come off as inauthentic—a fake. Truth is, if you’re unable to adapt your approach to people and situations, your relationships will suffer and your career will hit a wall.

Authenticity Misunderstood

Authenticity is about being real…not rigid.  That is, it’s not about stubbornly holding on to valued personality traits—or even beliefs—that aren’t working. The most successful leaders adapt to people and situations gracefully and appropriately.

Authentically Adaptive

I once had the pleasure of working for an inspiring leader who made the difficult transition from mid-level manager to C-suite executive.  Three of his most prized personal qualities were:

• Passionate
• Gregarious
• Intelligent

Culled while growing up in the Middle-East, and honed for business in New York City, these traits were part of a mixture that propelled him to success. It wasn’t until he landed a job in Northern California, in a company culture known for being ‘nice’ and agreeable, that he rain into trouble.

With the help of a coach, he came to quickly see that people were misunderstanding his intent. People thought he was intimidating, closed-minded, and a poor listener. His communication style was masking qualities and values such as being open to influence and deep care for others. He could have claimed that these traits were “part of his DNA,” but he cared more about being effective than being rigidly right.

You Are Bigger than Your Personality

Contrary to what you might have heard, your MBTI, DiSC – or any other personality inventory score—is not etched in stone, and is certainly not an excuse for poor adaptability. You are responsible for your beliefs, values, and behaviors. And you can change them.

Assess Yourself

Authenticity requires a deep understanding of yourself. Adaptability requires a deep understanding of others: what they need and how you affect them.

Before you can make any changes, you must first get an objective assessment of what is and isn’t working. Here’s one way:

1. Make a list of valued traits that best describe you.

2. Find someone you respect, who can be objective and honest with you. If you don’t have such a person, consider using a neutral party like a coach.

3. Ask this neutral person: When does this quality work well? When does it undermine me?

For example, let’s assume you describe yourself as passionate. They might tell you that this trait:

• Works well when you devote passion to developing your team.
• Undermines you when you devote passion to winning an argument.

Authentic Advice From an Undercover FBI Agent

Still doubt whether you can be authentic and adaptive at once? This post was inspired by LaRay Quy, who wrote 5 Ways to become a more authentic leader. I suspect that if she can figure out how to call up her authentic self while serving as an undercover FBI agent, we normal folk can too.

“People can spot inauthenticity from fifty paces. Show up as yourself consistently. Unless of course, you are a jackass.”

- Susan Scott, Fierce Leadership

Other Resources

• Book: What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: Marshall Goldsmith. Learn the habits every manager needs to break to successfully transition to senior leadership

• Blog Posts:
  • Breaking Bad Habits by Denny Coates
  • 5 Ways to Become a More Authentic Leader by LaRae Quy, posted by Michael Hyatt
  • To learn whether you’re coachable, check out this great blog post by Steve Roesler: 5 Ways to be Coachable

We’d like to hear from you!

How do you adapt your favorite personality traits to people and situations? We’d love to know!

With this Holiday Edition, we offer a way to end the year ceremoniously, with heart and meaning.

You may want to grab a notebook or blank sheet of paper (electronic or old-fashioned)

Step One: Catalog Your Accomplishments

Brainstorm your accomplishments for the past year. When brainstorming, consider multiple aspects of your life, including health, fun, professional, financial, physical environment, personal development, and relationships. Include anything that feels significant.

For those who need a jump-start, here are some possibilities:

• Shielded your team from nasty politics
• Brought home a paycheck so your family could maintain a certain quality of life
• Completed ___ performance reviews
• Managed the health and daily care of one or more children
• Cared for ill parents
• Wrote holiday cards
• Remembered special occasions (anniversary, birthdays)
• Fit in work-out time
• Organized your electronic files, closet, office…
• Fed the dog

Step Two: Identify the Most Important Accomplishments

Reflect on which of these accomplishments feels the most meaningful. If they tend to all fall into the “work” category, check to see how you’re defining accomplishment. Is your sense of success defined by what others think or what you feel? Note which item(s) on the list garnered no meaningful praise from other, yet felt deserving of appreciation.

Step Three: Let Go

It’s likely that you may never receive sufficient, specific appreciation from your partner, team, parent, child, or dog. Notice whether you feel any resentment or remorse about this. Then take a deep breath and let the resentment go. If you find it hard to drop any “should” stories (i.e., “he should be more appreciative”) it might help to recall that others may be waiting for just the right praise from you. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Notice the lightness you feel when you drop the grievance.

Now, take action to craft praise that lights up your heart.

Step Four: Express Appreciation to You

First, close your eyes and imagine a second version of yourself stepping outside your body and turning to face you. This second self holds no resentment or judgment. Now have this second self express deep gratitude for your actions. Take in the words and sentiments, letting them fill you up. Take a couple deep breaths. Repeat for any other significant accomplishments.

Step Five: Offer Appreciation to Others

Consider what wonderful things others have done that you may have taken for granted. Offer appreciation in a way that you think would mean the most to them (a card, a gift, a statement of praise). Tell them how it made a difference for you.

Our Deepest Thanks

The cataloging and appreciation exercise was inspired by our dear colleague, Rita Hovakimian, in her annual Strategic Visioning Workshop. To find out more visit  www.inspiringsuccess.net

We thank you for your support, inspiration, and trust in this first full year of Brilliance Inc. We are blessed to have this work and hope to continue to offer solutions for a very long time as we grow into our mission to raise the level of compassion, skill, and effectiveness in every human interaction.

Happy Holidays from Denise and Heather!

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

- Cicero

There are two ways to live life: One as if nothing is a miracle, the other as if everything is.

- Einstein

(This post may look a little long because it’s packed with juicy quotes and ideas for you to put into practice.)

Dr. Jekyll

Most of us like to think we’re good people and that, if put in an unethical or dangerous situation, we’d do the right, noble thing. We claim assuredly that if given power, we’d wield it fairly; or that we’d call the police if we saw someone getting abused.

Perhaps.

But study after troubling study shows that the majority of us, when put in certain difficult circumstances, would act in ways we’d later be ashamed of. The truth is, while on the fringes of society we can talk about saints and sociopaths, we are all capable of good and evil.

Mr. Hyde

I had the pleasure of listening to Philip Zimbardo at a recent Neuroleadership Conference. Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about good and evil. While you may not recognize his name, you’re probably familiar with his infamous 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment where normal, healthy people cast as guards became sadistic authoritarians, while those cast as prisoners became hopeless and traumatized. The 2-week simulation experiment was cut short after just 6 days.

People aren’t born heroes. Our brains run on a 100,000-year-old operating that errs on the side of self-protection and suspicion. Scientists literally refer to it as negativity bias. Put in a threatening situation, our brain makes saving ourselves top priority.

While it may not be our default nature to act in others’ best interest, we can retrain ourselves. We can build a heroic brain and become the person we’d like to be — the person we claim to be. And when we act heroically, we improve our home environment, work environment, and communities. In essence, we improve the lives of everyone we touch, including our own.

Here are some essential hero-building steps:

Building Heroic Muscles

1. First: acknowledge your fallibility. Ignoring our dark self self doesn’t make it go away. It just hides until one day in a weak moment it inconveniently emerges (like Mel Gibson getting caught in a drunken, racist rant, or a sanctimonious AWOL politician found Tango-ing with his mistress in Argentina). It doesn’t do us any good to label deeds, thoughts, or people as evil. Rather, know that any person is capable of making bad choices that can create horrible irreversible ripples.

2. Second, notice your ripple. Done anything you’re not proud of? Maybe you raised your voice at your child, or rolled your eyes in a meeting. Or maybe you just forgot to thank someone for their efforts. Stop shaming yourself (or making excuses) and get to work by first apologizing, and then doing better.

3. Third: start practicing small acts of kindness. You become what you practice. Put a Tibetan monk in an MRI, and you’ll see a brain that’s trained to tilt heavily toward compassion and kindness. But you don’t have to meditate to re-train your brain. And you don’t have to be anyone special to be a hero. We often think of heroes as extraordinary people doing big things. But, as Zimbardo explains, heroes are ordinary people acting selflessly to protect or improve the lives of others. Heroes take positive action, where others stand by and justify their inaction.

Here are some small actions that can go a long way toward improving others’ lives:

- Listen to someone without judgment.

- Compliment someone you care about (without expecting anything in return).

- Compliment a stranger (without expecting anything in return).

- Ask the cashier how her day is going…then listen.

- Give your change to someone in need.

- Talk to the shy person at the holiday party.

- When talk about someone turns negative, instead of piling on, say something kind.

- Stop and give a confused tourist directions.

- Listen to your partner, your child, your mother –anyone you think you know well — with genuine curiosity and wonder.

- Instead of getting angry or blaming someone at work when something fails, assume good intent, pick up the phone or walk over to them, and seek to understand their point of view.

- If you like to talk, keep your views to yourself in your next meeting and ask others for their opinions. Then listen without interrupting.

- Thank someone.

- Apologize.

- Forgive someone you’ve held a grudge against.

- Forgive yourself.

- Admit your mistakes.

- Acknowledge your weaknesses.

- For every holiday gift you purchase, add a small (or big) donation to a trusted charity like Oxfam who will make the most of your gift so that it improves lives.

Ta-Da, Brilliance!

With practice, you’ll break free of your default inertia and find that acting positively comes naturally. You also run a serious risk of creating an engaging, trusting work environment where people are free to speak and act without fear.

— — — — —

Quotes

“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them.

But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.

And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

— — — — —

“With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more.”

- Joe Paterno

— — — — —

Legend

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

Video:

Phil Zimbardo talks about his new mission: The Heroic Imagination Project

Check out our related post: How to Tell if You Work in a Fear Ridden Environment with to-do list for the courageous manager

We’d love to hear from you!

- What small gesture has made a positive difference in your life?

- Which small act will you begin taking today?

- What other small heroic acts do you recommend?

Dia de Los Muertos

On this Day of the Dead (aka All Souls Day), I celebrate another birthday.

I love my birthday.

I often marvel when people lament their birthdays. It’s not that I don’t understand where they might be coming from. I don’t romanticize growing older.  I know that birthdays can remind us that we’re drawing closer to our death. But that’s true of every moment, and you don’t hear people complaining every 5 minutes that they’re closing in on death.

Reflecting on why I might have a somewhat unusual context about aging, I recall my Grandma Dori’s frequent saying about birthdays: “It sure beats the alternative.”

My context is influenced not just by my family, by my own health history which has a bit of a Benjamin Button quality about it so far. I began life needing to have my hip rebuilt. At age 6 my vision got bad enough to warrant thick glasses. At 22, I was in an car accident and broke my back, which led to over a decade of pain and sciatica. At 27, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

So, while my contemporaries were thriving physically in their 20s, I was trying to heal physical conditions often associated with old age.*

Seeking treatment for these conditions led me to a world I would have never sought had I been pain free. As a result, I discovered healers and treatments–Western, Eastern, Ancient, and High Tech–that many people don’t know exist. And I discovered this truth:

Your thoughts about what’s possible will greatly affect your health.

That is, if you believe that you can get better, you will look with fervor. And with this tenacious seeking, you’re likely to find something that helps. And conversely, if you believe you’re stuck with what you’ve got, you’re unlikely to seek and find.

Sure, I have aches and pains. In fact, as I write this I’m nursing a knee injury and trying to get over a nasty cold and adrenal fatigue.  But in the big picture, I have perfect vision, a strong hip, no auto-immune disease, and no sciatic pain.

Check your beliefs about pain, suffering, and aging. Then square them against this fact:

Science has found no biological markers for determining an individual’s age.

Here’s to your health and many happy, thriving days ahead!

Books:

• Counterclockwise by Ellen Langer
• My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor
• You’re Only Old Once! A Book for Obsolete Children by Dr. Suess
• Say Goodbye to Illness by Dr. Devi Nambudipad

Related Links:

Want to Thrive? Ask Delusional Questions This post contains links to some of my healing heroes

Rest in peace, Betty

Additional Healing Resources for Our Animal Companions

Book: The Nature of Animal Healing

Oakland Vet: Creature Comfort, Holistic Animal Center

For dogs with cruciate (ACL) injuries: Woundwear harnesses.

* All of my conditions are relatively common: I’m so grateful to have been born into a time and place where treatments exist and to be fortunate enough to have access to affordable insurance.

Please share your healing stories and resources!

“What are you pretending not to know?”

- Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations

Cracks in the Foundation

My house in Oakland was built in 1924 on a steep downward slope. When someone would ask if my house had a bolted foundation, I’d say something like “Oh, I’m sure it must” and would change the subject. I liked to assume that, since a lot of renovations had taken place before we moved in, someone must have fixed it.  The fact that someone had actually sealed off any access to the foundation made it easier for me to ignore it: can’t assess what you can’t see.

For a while, this avoidance strategy saved me money. Then, a crack in the foundation revealed itself. And over the course of a year, with a few minor earthquakes, and good ol’ gravity, the crack grew. It grew until one day, I decided to pull my head out of the sand and bring in an expert to tell me what I had.

Expert Deniers

We humans are really good at ignoring cracks in all sorts of foundations: the body that we keep pushing until we suffer a debilitating injury or illness; the resentment that we allow to fester until the relationship is beyond repair; the key employee that we ignore until they quit and sign up with the competition; the waistline that grows until we can’t button our skinny pants…then our fat pants.

The laundry…

Just in Time

The General Contractor told me that, while half of my house had a new bolted foundation, the other half was sitting (and sliding) on an original slab.

The work to replace the foundation took just 13 days. Five days after completion, we had an earthquake and aftershock with an epicenter less than 10 miles away. We were jolted but the house didn’t suffer a single crack.

Sure, I would have liked to have spent the money elsewhere, but the feeling of strength, stability, and security I gained was worth it.

Facing the Truth

Pulling your head out of the sand and shining light on the thing that scares you takes courage. And once you do, you can begin to take steps to repair. Until then, you are powerless to improve your situation, and you continue to skid in the wrong direction.

Questions for Reflection

1. What problems am I ignoring in my:

• Health
• Relationships
• Reputation
• Happiness
• Finances
• Career

2. What’s the story I tell myself that helps me ignore the truth?
3. What will happen in 6 months if I change nothing?
4. What’s most vital that I change?
5. What’s the most potent first step I can take toward improving it?
6. Whose help do I want to enlist to support me?*

* Don’t even think of going it alone. Find a friend, coach, mental or physical health practitioner, or a class to support you as you begin to change the goblin before it becomes unruly.

Here’s a ‘during’ and ‘after’ shot of my house. The excellent work was done by All Seasons Construction.

Balancing on a stack of boards.

Solid as a rock.

Related Blog: Guru Michael Hyatt shares his advice on making the most of a near crisis in this great post.

]]> http://brillianceinc.com/facingthethingthatscaresyou/feed/ 2 http://brillianceinc.com/recipe-for-brilliance/ http://brillianceinc.com/recipe-for-brilliance/#comments Wed, 14 Sep 2011 20:56:04 +0000 BrillianceInc http://brillianceinc.com/blog/?p=51 Are you in the zone? You know..that place where you feel energized. Where you like going to work, where you feel a sense of fulfillment, satisfaction, and gratitude. If you’re not living there, how far away are you? Around the block? Next County? Neighboring planet? For managers, how would your employees answer?

When we ask program participants and clients about times when they felt in the zone, nearly all can name one. Barely anyone claims to there now. And survey research supports this observation. According to a Gallup poll, more than 70 percent of people are disengaged from their job.

There are several key ingredients to peak performance. Knowing them can make it easier to diagnose what’s missing.

Recipe at-a-Glance: One part S (Strengths) to four parts P (Passion, Purpose, Preferences, Progress).

One Part ‘S’

1. Strengths:
In every peak moment, you will find that you are doing what you do best. Strengths may be learned skills or innate abilities. Either way, they are things that you excel at. Sometimes it’s hard to notice your own strength because it comes easily to you. What comes easily to you – public speaking, playing music, interpersonal skills, listening, remembering and using data – is terrifyingly difficult for others. Where you exhibit grace, others stumble or exert more effort for the same or less outcomes.

Ways to determine strengths:

• Take an inventory assessment: Gallup’s StrengthsFinder or Highlands Ability Battery are good options
• Recall what tasks at work you do most effortlessly

Four Parts P

1. Passion:
Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you like doing it.

Ways to determine passion:

• What tasks do you rarely procrastinate?
• When you do procrastinate, what do you tend to work on instead?
• What projects, work, tasks, do you volunteer or readily take on?
• If you could go back to school now, what would you major in?
• If money were no concern, how would you fill your days?

2. Purpose:
Whether you’re making a difference within a home, a company, or more broadly in the world, you feel like your contribution matters.

Ways to get clear about your purpose:

• What would I do if money were no object?
• What am I here to do?
• How can I add value to others and the world at large?
• How would I like to be remembered?
• What are the three most important lessons I would like to pass on to my children?

3. Preferences:
If your work doesn’t fit your personal preferences, you won’t feel motivated.

Preferences may include working:

• Alone or on a team
• In an office or at home
• At a fast or slow pace
• With a flexible or predictable schedule
• In a quiet or sound-filled environment

Of all the ingredients, this is the one that most fluctuates over time. What matters one day may change the next. Perhaps you were fine with working 60 hours a week when you just graduated college. But not now. Or, maybe a consulting job with lots of travel worked well until you had a child. Now, not so much. Or maybe now that you’re a parent you’d like to travel more!

4. Progress

In August, 2011, Harvard’s Teresa Amabile and Psychologist Steven Kramer published their book The Progress Principle, where they share their findings from a data-rich study of over 200 people in 7 countries. Dan Pink, author of Drive, calls it the best business book he’s read in years. The authors amassed 12,000 days worth of data from study participants and reported fascinating conclusions about what really motivates people at work, and conversely, what chokes creativity and engagement. They found that what motivates people most is making progress on meaningful work. And sadly, they also found that these valued “small wins” are too rare. What can you do? Amabile suggests:

• “Religiously protect at least 20 minutes – and, ideally, much more – every day, to tackle something in the work that matters most to you. Hide in an empty conference room, if you have to, or sneak out in disguise to a nearby coffee shop.
• Make note of any progress you made (even if it was a small win), and decide where to pick up again the next day.”

We also suggest that you

• Allow yourself to really savor the accomplishment, by pausing and letting a sense of satisfaction penetrate you…before you jump back on the hamster wheel. (like savoring clicking the “Publish” button on a blog).

Managers!

• Ask your employees how easy it is to make progress on meaningful work (on a scale of 0-10)
• Ask what gets in the way
• Ask what ideas they have for removing obstacles
• Support them in removing obstacles and check back often to recalibrate

Living Brilliantly

When life feels a little bitter or salty, take a look at the recipe for brilliance. Compare it to your life. Figure out what’s missing and take steps to get it more in balance.

We don’t mean to oversimplify. Taking steps to add a dash of anything may take incredible efforts. This is where it may make sense to find a coaching partner to help you bring some brilliance back to your life. An effective coach knows that living brilliantly involves more than creating quality work. To really feel “in the zone” you need to build a strong foundation of support in all aspects of your life, for example, good health, quality rest, fulfilling relationships, and fun. Every individual has a unique recipe that leads to ultimate fulfillment.

Note, if life feels sweet, just relax and savor.

Managers: this is the key to career development coaching. Many of your staff could use help figuring out how to get in the zone. They may feel awkward admitting to you that their job situation isn’t optimal. You can help by actively helping people develop more of a balance in their recipe.

Recommended Reading

The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz (2004)

Don’t Waste Your Talent: The 8 Critical Steps To Discovering What You Do Best by Bob McDonald, Don E. Hutcheson, Lazar Emanuel, and Thomas N. Tavantzis (2005)

Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance by Marcus Buckingham (2007)

Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton (2001)

The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work by Amabile and Steven Kramer

Note: This is an updated version of the original, first published in our ebook, Conversations for Brilliance. This version was amended to include the very important fourth P, progress on meaningful work.

Instant Improvement?

This week I accompanied my husband to his Lasik (vision correction) surgery. It took me back 13 years to my own Lasik experience. Back then, I entered the Laser Eye Center building dependent on thick glasses. Less than 24 hours later, I  had 20/15 vision. In less than a day, I went from being unable to read a giant digital clock since age 7, to reading the ingredients on a shampoo bottle.

It got me thinking, if only all development was so quick and noticeable. But that kind of drastic improvement is rare (not to mention expensive and risky).

In the absence of sudden conversions, we’re often blind to our own progress until someone comments, “Hey, have you lost a few pounds?” or “You seem happier.” or “You’re listening better.” One group-coaching participant recently said to a peer, “You seem calmer in meetings.” She didn’t fully appreciate this new way of being until he named it. At the program’s end, she said that his comment was one of the most memorable and affirming moments. When others notice, our improvement becomes more real.

Reflecting Brilliance

Over the course of a few months with a coach, participants re-invent themselves gradually but certainly. One of the most important things a coach does is hold up the mirror and acknowledge real changes.

One of the greatest gifts we can give others–colleagues, friends, family– is to notice progress aloud. And one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to notice and celebrate our own incremental improvement.

For most of us, this takes a new way of looking.

Instead of looking for fault, we have to practice noticing the good. One client shared an ingenious practice. When getting a haircut, he closes his eyes until the stylist is finished so he can better appreciate the difference. In this way, he trains his brain to perceive and appreciate improvement.

Reflection Exercise

• Think about something you’ve been cultivating (for the past few weeks, months, or years). How are you different today than when you began?

Can’t think of  anything? Start with your 13-year old self and compare it to you today. Notice the improvements that you would struggle to give up.

Look for small things: like eating more greens; taking the stairs; delegating 1 thing that you were holding on to; spending 15 more minutes a day with your kids; going to bed earlier; complimenting your partner; turning off your phone in the evenings;  losing your 80s hairstyle, and so on.

• Find one that you feel most proud of, that you would like to continue or deepen. Focus your attention on this improvement & feel gratitude for the change. Take a few breaths and let the feeling of gratitude grow.

Keep Cultivating

For yourself: What improvements do you want to deepen? What do you want to add? How do you want to be in three months? Six months?

For others: Practice noticing positive change in others. When you find something, tell them.

Pay Attention to Your Attention

Neuroscience findings show us that the brain is in constant flux and that we shape our brain with attention.

That is, what we pay attention to grows.

Will you pay attention to your faults or your growth? Which would you like to cultivate?

I’d love to hear what improvements you notice in yourself and others.

Resources:

Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life by Winifred Gallagher

Blog: The Power of Incremental Change Over Time by Michael Hyatt

We really do want to know!  We only received a few replies last time and know that the rest of you can’t be THAT happy all the time. What seems to keep you from being as successful as you want? Your response will help us  provide you with tools, insights, and information that you can use to solve real problems and ultimately, lead and live more brilliantly.

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Now, imagine yourself about to have a conversation with them about this thing that’s been bugging you.

I bet you feel warm and fuzzy, brimming with anticipation to have this conversation.

No?

Many of us hate the thought of giving feedback so much that we go to great lengths to avoid having the conversation. We may try other strategies to change their behavior that don’t involve actually directly talking to them about it: avoid them; hint about what bothers us; talk to other people about them; or–my personal favorite–resent them for the thing they don’t even realize they’re doing.

Perhaps, if you’re a manager, you just store up all the examples until annual performance review, where you do a surprise macabre unveiling.

That always works out well.

Why do we do this?

Are we cowards? Cruel? I don’t think that’s really it.

I think we fear that someone will get hurt. And most of us don’t relish the thought of causing pain.

There’s lots of advice about do’s and dont’s of feedback. We have a Brilliance Inc feedback delivery model: 5 steps in 30 seconds.*

But I want to talk about something more important than technique.

Intention.

You can follow all the steps you learned in Management 101 training, but if you don’t have the right mindset, you’ll fail to inspire new behaviors and you may cause more harm than good to your relationship and their engagement.

If you enter the conversation worried about causing injury, how might that affect your delivery?

You’re likely to be unclear, uncomfortable, and defensive. Plus, you’ll unconsciously deliver the message through your body language and energy that there’s something to fear. No wonder people want to hide under the desk when they hear the dreaded phrase, “Can I give you some feedback?” Bombs away!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Context About Feedback

What would happen–to you, to your message, to them–if you shifted your intention? If you entered the conversation as though you were about to unveil a gift? A gift that will help this person grow and improve how other perceive him. A gift that others were not confident or generous enough to give.

You’d likely be more at ease and they wouldn’t detect any wonky nervousness that signals a subconscious warning to raise defenses.

A Graceless Gift

I will never forget a bit of feedback I received early in my career. I was 23, a month on the job in Corporate Finance at Oracle, when the Controller stopped about a 2 feet in front of me, pointed at my mouth and said, “We have a dental plan, you know.”

I had gotten so used to my front tooth, broken when I was 8, now discolored and misshapen, that I failed to notice it. Yet, it was one of the first things people saw when I spoke or smiled. And I was so used to living on a student budget, fixing it wasn’t even on my radar.

Was his delivery graceful? No. But it was authentic and carried no ill will. Plus, his very direct approach showed that he thought enough of me to give it and enough of my confidence to say it bluntly.

Was I mortified? Perhaps. I don’t remember. I do remember that within a month, I had a new, gorgeous, tooth. And that was a true gift.

I’m not suggesting you go around directly pointing out flaws. Just stop agonizing about getting the words perfect. You’re likely to stress yourself out unnecessarily and delay (possibly permanently) delivering the helpful feedback. Instead, talk with them today, bringing an intention that you care, and that you come bearing a gift.

Good intention trumps technique every time. Technique with good intention is brilliance.

Let us know how it goes.

*Stay tuned for our free video training on delivering feedback! 5 Steps in 30 Seconds

Related Posts: Feedback that Sticks