How are those New Year’s Resolutions coming along? By now, you must be a nicer, calmer, healthier, happier, more productive version of yourself, right?
If you’re falling a bit short of your lofty resolutions, read on and learn how to make self improvement really stick.
The Good News About Self-Improvement
Anyone can change their thoughts, behaviors, and habits. Despite past claims that adult brains were fixed, findings over the last decade reveal that brains constantly adjust to inputs. Neuroplasticity–the brain’s constant adaptation–means that you can teach any (willing) dog new tricks.
The Bad News About Self-Improvement
It’s not as fast or as easy as we might like. In an ideal world, you’d pick something about yourself to improve, do a little homework — read a book, attend a class, or watch a YouTube video — and voila, a new improved you! Unfortunately it’s not that easy. When faced with challenges that conspire to take us off track, we may give in to inertia and settle for the latest version of ourselves. A little crack appears in our soul, patched with guilt and excuses (and wine).
HOW IT WORKS
Real Tools for Change
Deeply felt, lasting change happens over time. Below are some phases of change and corresponding tools to help you upgrade the software running on your grey-matter platform. All these tools are instantly available simply by setting an intention to use them.
Five phases to making self-improvement stick:
1. Discovery and Intake
2. Design
3. Launch Beta Version of You
4. Test for Quality
5. Launch Upgrade Version of You
1. Discovery and Intake Phase:
Purpose: Gather data to form an inclusive assessment of your current state including features, strengths, user-experience, and bugs.
Critical Tools Include:
- Observation and Questions: Bring curiosity and leave judgment behind as you ask open-ended questions of yourself and others over a period of several days or weeks. Here are some possible questions:
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- What is the trajectory of my relationships, career, health, happiness?
- How do I spend my time?
- What angst inducing thoughts do I notice?
- What behaviors are inspired by the angst ridden thoughts?
- What are my strengths?
- What threatens to derail me?
- What do you need most from me?
- To what degree are you getting it on a scale of 1-5?
- If I could improve one thing, what would it be and how would it look if I were doing it better?
2. Design Phase
Purpose: Create a realistic plan that makes the most of your resource investment.
Critical Tools Include:
- Intention: Decide what to change and commit to a plan.
- Network of Support: Identify resources that will help you along the way.
- Attention: Begin to catch your self in the act of living; be your own third party observer.
- Label: Learn to accurately and neutrally label emotions and thoughts that appear, increasing your opportunity to manage them rather than be led by them.
3. Launch Beta Version of You
Purpose: Prototype new thoughts and behaviors and gather input (from self and others) to fine-tune.
Critical Tools Include:
- Tell Others What You Are Working On: We urge reluctant clients to include this step as it may be the biggest predictor of success. Why? People are busy and they inhabit a different brain-world than yours. Despite feeling like you’re making obvious, earth-moving changes, such as interrupting less or speaking up more, your colleagues are unlikely to notice. Or, if they do sense something different, may attribute it to a new haircut, or something they ate for lunch. We see what we expect to see. When you draw their attention to your positive actions, two things happen: they actually notice and they feel a sense of ownership in your development.
- Practice new thoughts and behaviors relentlessly: Practice for (at least) 21 Days. If you feel awkward, it’s working. New behaviors — like driving on the opposite side of the road — feel funky until we lay down the neural pathways for them. Allow yourself to be clumsy for a while.
- Learn to Recast Your Thoughts: Continue to observe yourself, labeling thoughts and emotions. Studies show that we have about 2 seconds to reappraise an interpretation. Becoming skillful at observing yourself will help you catch that window. When you detect an old, unwanted thought, find a way to change your initial interpretation and release the perceived threat response in your brain. This frees up your thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) to intervene with a more desirable action. Note: this will require you to accept that your first impression is never THE ONE TRUTH.
Example of a recast thought:
Angst-inducing thought: “She’s giving me a look. I wonder what I did wrong. I better defend myself.”
Notice the thought and then choose one of a bajillion less angst-ridden and different ways of interpreting the action, like…
Recast thought: “I wonder what that look means. Maybe she hates me. Or, maybe she just had a really bad morning. I think I’ll just wait for more information before I jump to conclusions and regret my response.”
Inhale, exhale, wait, ask clarifying question in a neutral tone…
- Work on the Body: Labeling and recasting thoughts is not enough to make changes stick. Your current way of being is stored deep in your body. Doubt this? Next time you get triggered, notice what happens to your physical self. What happens to your breath, your jaw, your forehead, eyes, shoulders? For self-improvement to stick, body, thoughts, and behaviors must be attuned. There are many ways to release unwanted patterns in the body including: sitting-practice, yoga, dance, singing, breathing exercises or practicing a new stance. When in doubt, get counsel from a certified coach with somatic knowledge to help you design a practice.
4. Test for Quality
Purpose: Ensure that the program is producing the planned results. Make adjustments.
Critical Tools Include:
- Observation: What new behaviors are you noticing in yourself? What new behaviors and reactions are you noticing in others as they relate to you?
- Ask others how they perceive you: The least uncomfortable and most productive way to do this is to ask them in writing, on a scale of -5 to +5. Ask each person about only one topic and ask what it would be like if you were doing it better. Then thank them and make the changes.
5. Launch Upgraded Version of You
Purpose: Experience a new improved way of being in the world and watch what happens.
Critical Tools Include:
- Awareness: By now you have the ability to observe yourself objectively as the director of the play that is your life. Continue to practice and develop this skill to improve your way of being.
- Gratitude: Savor your new way of being. Feel deep thanks for yourself and those who support you, and for the new pleasures, freedoms, and connections open to you.
- Patience: You will not behave perfectly. Bring humility and compassion to yourself and others.
- Sense of Humor: Try lightening up. Take yourself less seriously and others less personally.
We’re all in the Midst of Mastering Something
Our brains are constantly reacting to stimuli: every minute we gradually shape our brains, paving new roads or digging up old ones. Through repeated attention, thoughts, and actions, we create new neural pathways and the foundation for mastery. You can’t help but do it. So the question is,
What are you mastering? For those unsure, we offer a list of possibilities. Choose wisely.
Anger
Cheer
Dodging Conflict
Deep Connections with Others
Ease
Eating Poorly
Eating Well
Envy
Fear
Freedom
Good Health
Gratitude
Guilt
Integration
Love
Online Gaming
Pity
Regret
Resentment
Reverence
Sadness
Strength
Stress
Trust
Volatility
Wholeness
xxoo
Zzzzzzz
Useful blog posts you might love:
Tips to Make Things Happen (via Steve Roesler)
Breaking Bad Habits (via Denny Coates)
Conversations for Brilliance
