Have you ever given someone feedback that they then ignored?

Just because you offer feedback doesn’t mean that it’s accepted. Feedback done poorly can produce undesirable results: demotivating an employee and potentially damaging the relationship. Perhaps this is why so many managers fail to give feedback at all.

As you’ve probably experienced from being on the receiving side of the conversation, there is more to giving feedback then simply getting the words out. Yet, most feedback models focus more on delivering a message according to a set of rules, instead of delivering it in a way that ensures it is actually received.

Common Wisdom About Feedback

Here’s a summary of existing advice about structuring and delivering feedback:

• Be specific: offer details for clarity
• Be timely: don’t wait until a regularly scheduled formal review conversation
• Give often: so it’s part of normal conversation
• Be objective: deliver with facts and without color commentary. I.e., “In the meeting, you raised your voice, slammed your notebook shut, and walked out.” Instead of “You were very rude in the meeting.”
• Describe the impact: What did or could result from the behavior?
• Suggest an alternative way of approaching the situation next time

All of these suggestions are fine and helpful. But they won’t guarantee that the feedback will have the desired outcome.

Upgrading Your Feedback Delivery

We care less about the structure of feedback and more about the intent and content. Some tips on delivering feedback that sticks:

• Give it with the intent of genuinely helping.
• Make sure you have a trusting relationship already.
• Maintain curiosity and ask for their point of view.
• Frame the feedback around their brilliance and what they care about.

Let’s talk about that last item. If you do nothing else from either list, try giving feedback that honors a person’s brilliance. That is, give feedback in the context of what’s important to them, not you. For example, an employee in Corporate Finance may pride herself on submitting error-free reports. A colleague in sales may care about being factually correct as well, but what really matters most to him could be understanding and connecting with the client. The feedback you give is more likely to stick if, in these examples, you frame the feedback you give to the Finance employee around how it can forward error-free work, while talking with the Sales employee about the actions he could take to help him understand the client even more. In the same way, praise that acknowledges the areas they care about will have a much greater impact.

People rarely tell you directly what motivates them. Here are some suggestions for determining what matters most to a someone:

• What subjects is he most passionate about?
• Where does he seem to spend the largest percentage of his time?
• When does he get most defensive?
• When does he most appreciated?
• When he describes his work, what does he focus on?
• What assignments does he volunteer for or do most efficiently?

And, you can always ask:

• How do you like to be known?
• What feedback or praise has meant the most to you?
• What part of your work is most meaningful/rewarding?
• What feedback or praise falls flat (has the least impact)?

Connect, Calm, Caring

Instead of trying to remember a model or follow a script precisely, try connecting the feedback message to something the recipient actually cares about. That, plus a calm, caring demeanor on your part, is likely to ensure that the feedback has your desired effect.

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