The holiday season is upon us, which for many of us involves the opportunity to connect with family. While those connections can be loving and satisfying, family gatherings can also provide opportunities for misunderstandings, and some less-than jolly moments. Have you ever said something and moments later wished you could take your words back? Or had a conversation in which you swallowed your voice and really wished you had spoken up? Even when we generally feel we are pretty effective communicators, all of us have moments in which the words we uttered (or didn’t) are less brilliant than we hoped.
Unfortunately, innumerable examples of less than brilliant conversations exist in the workplace: The team conversation impersonating a rolling hairball, with no clear end in sight and all sorts of fluff and dust getting caught up in the mess; the feedback conversation that starts out tense and ends with us wondering if the relationship (and our stress level) would be better if we had kept out mouths shut; the career-limiting comment to the boss’ boss that leaves you wondering why you got out of bed; or the well-meaning co-worker across the globe who keeps misinterpreting what you say.
Sound familiar?
There’s hope. You can learn to consistently express yourself with aplomb and grace, eloquence and candor.
First, Begin With the Behavior: Identify Your Weak Spot
We invite you to observe yourself over one week and identify which of the following less-than-brilliant behaviors you notice in conversations that matter to you:
Monopolize the conversation (speak more than 50%)Speak before thinking (and regret what you say)
Make snarky or snide comments
Make comments that others seem to misinterpret
Raise issues/confront people in an unproductive way that leaves the relationship soured
- Refrain from speaking your mind
- Stumble over words
- Be at a loss for words
- Ignore the elephant (conflict/upset) in the room
- Be wishy-washy (instead of making clear assertions, requests, or observations)
- Others?
If you checked more than one, identify the one that feels most egregious and focus on improving that behavior first. If you checked none, hand the list to someone you trust to speak the truth with compassion (or at least a good sense of humor) and ask them to pick one for you.
Second, Investigate: When Does this Undesirable Behavior Pop Up?
Once you have identified the behavior reflect further:
- What situations do I tend to be in when this happens? (with my boss, on a conference call, in a team meeting, in a one-on-one, when I am nervous or stressed, when I am overly confident, when I am unfamiliar or unsure of the content/topic, when I am feeling relaxed, when I am offended, when I have had too much coffee?)
- Who are the people I am talking with when this happens? (Boss, peer, client, vendor, friends, family?)
Once you realize when you are most likely to be at your worst conversationally, you are better prepared to self-observe and self-correct. This self awareness is the first step toward being emotionally intelligent-recognizing your own actions and emotions and being able to moderate them to be effective with others.
Third, Practice a New Behavior
- Pick an upgrade: What reaction would you rather have or what action would you rather take? (to pause before speaking, to ask others what they think, to interject, to share your opinion, to be genuinely more curious about what the other persons’ perspective is, to have more self compassion for how difficult it is to act to our full capacity in stressful situations).
- Pick a venue: You may want to start practicing the new behavior in less triggering situations or with less provoking people. Think of it as putting training wheels on your bike before transitioning from a tricycle to a ten-speed, or (if it has been a long time since you have been on a bike) as lifting weights for lasting improvement: lots of repetitions with light weights.
Here are some common behaviors and suggested practices:
Allow others air time:
- Count to three (or five if you can stand it!) after you ask a question. This allows others time to interject and often provides more information too.
- Identify a team meeting you regularly participate in.
- Notice who doesn’t speak up much. Draw them into the conversation, inviting them to share their valued thoughts.
Think before you speak:
- Before you make a phone call, write an email, or speak up in a meeting, stop and consider: What is my purpose for this meeting and what is my intended outcome? Clarifying this can help you be more succinct and clear.
- Then ask yourself if you still want to make the comment. Will what you are going to say help move the conversation forward?
Speak with empathy
- Before a one-on-one meeting, pause for a moment and put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
- What might they be concerned about, excited about? What matters to them? What might they be seeing from their perspective?
Express yourself clearly
- Prepare your thoughts in advance. Note your opinions, requests, facts, ideas. Edit them to remove any non-essential words.
- Practice speaking in phrases that do not rise in intonation (like a question).
- Practice asking others to paraphrase their understanding of what you have said.
- If you tend to think best talking out loud, find someone who will listen and help you clarify your thoughts before a meeting with others.
Apologize
- Despite your best intentions, you are bound to err. When you do, apologize and communicate your intention to do better. Then do better.
Brainstorm some practices on your own, or work with a coach to help you identify what you want to do more of in your conversations. Identify the outcome you want (a productive conversation with your boss, to engage and motivate the team)and figure out what it will take to produce that.
Because we believe it is always good to keep our eye on what is working well, we encourage you to leverage your strengths, look at what you do well in conversation and practice that more too.
Conducting conversations skillfully can be challenging; with practice you can be utterly brilliant.
We hope you enjoy your holidays and wish you a Happy New Year!
Conversations for Brilliance
